Justice League: The Movie-- You're Doing It Wrong

With all the hubbub this past year surrounding Marvel's The Avengers, Warner Bros. has been greedily licking their chops and drooling all over their fancy corporate suits at the money to be made with a superhero team movie. And from their standpoint, I can't find fault with their logic: they are, after all, in the business to make money. But as far as coming close to something as commercially and critically successful as Avengers, after the failure of Green Lantern and WB's utter failure at getting some of their other superheroes off the page to the screen, there's a ton of work to be done.

So, in case anybody gives a shit, let me say that Justice League should NOT happen, unless they throw out EVERYTHING they've already done (which it looks like they have, so far), and go smaller. Not too small, mind you; this is a team of variously-powered god-like beings, and getting them together will take more than just a team-up of mob guys from Gotham and Intergang from Metropolis to stoke the fires of the superteam.

The following are my suggestions for how to get this whole shebang underway, WITHOUT blowing their load too early with intergalactic villainy or establishing a huge villain team-ups with too many characters. Whether or not they want to establish these heroes individually beforehand, like Marvel did, is moot.

1. Don't Use Darkseid

Darkseid is a great villain. He was created by Jack "King" Kirby, along with the rest of the Fourth World and the New Gods. Having said that, Darkseid is a horrible choice to throw into the mix for your first outing with the Justice League.

This is one of the main reasons the New 52 Relaunch of the Justice League was so terrible. Darkseid can have a polarizing effect on all our do-gooders, sure. But to blow your load with DC Comics' ultimate otherworldly baddie right out of the gate? Dumb. Fucking idiotically dumb, really. It's how I felt about using Parallax in Green Lantern: the reason Parallax was so powerful in the comics-- and why his retcon into being the living embodiment of fear that possessed Hal Jordan was so well-received-- was because it was a retcon that fit and redeemed a character who was pretty fucked over to begin with thanks to trends in the nineties. Parallax was an ok movie monster, but to undermine his importance to the current mythos and introduce him to moviegoers who don't give a flying fuck about comics was weak. Darkseid would face a similar problem. Most folks don't know who he is, and he would come off as pretty generic with no buildup to how much of a badass he is. Take into account that Darkseid is very similar to Marvel's Thanos, and you would merely confuse your audience and make them think you're ripping Marvel off, when they get to Thanos in the inevitable Avengers sequel(s).

Darkseid is a character that you need to build up to make a believable threat. If you were to use him right away, and your heroes somehow came together, never knowing each other before a 2, 2 1/2 hour runtime to defeat him, it would come off as forced and anticlimactic, at best. Ya know, just like that sixth issue of the New 52 Justice League. And story incongruousness aside, where the fuck would you go from there? Being the Baddest of the Bad amongst DC villainy, what would you do for a sequel, if your movie is successful?

There are plenty of other villains in DC's long history to play around with on screen. If you're going to use Darkseid, don't do it first. You risk putting the cart in front of the horse that way. Slowly build toward him, if you absolutely HAVE to use him, like they're doing with Thanos. Otherwise, let's leave him out of the equation, shall we?

2. Don't Use Joe Levitt As Batman

If you have any fucking sense at all, Warner Bros., you will keep Justice League's version of Batman far, far, FAR away from Christopher Nolan's vision of the Dark Knight. I understand that you want a familiar face for your audience, and I'm sure JGL would do great as the Caped Crusader, but here's the thing: this is Goddamned BATMAN we're talking about. Other than Superman and Spider-man, Batman is the most recognizable superhero in THE WORLD. We all know who he is and what his fucking deal is. Do not waste your money or your moviegoers time with re-establishing Batman's deal in this movie. Cast someone with the stature and physicality and whose chin looks flattering poking out of that cowl, and just give us fucking Batman kicking ass in Gotham and discovering the pending crisis that will bring our heroes together has come to his doorstep. Batman should be the first to catch on to whatever is going on and a reluctant participant in the team effort to stop it. We don't need to see Bruce Wayne in this movie at all, you hear? BATMAN is important to the Justice League, and the actor portraying him should not be seen without the mask, period.

3. Have A Decent Script

This should go without saying, but the fact that this project in various iterations has been floundering since AT LEAST 2007 does not instill confidence. You have to make sure the script is decent before you do ANYTHING else. No green-light, no casting, no costuming, no storyboards, NOTHING should be done until you have a script that isn't complete and utter shit.

There are plenty of (good) stories about the League's formation that a halfway decent scriptwriter can look at for inspiration that don't involve fucking Darkseid or our heroes acting like complete assholes (well, except Batman. Batman is allowed to be a dick, at least at first).

My suggestion? When JLA was launched in the late 90's, a version of Starro the Conquerer was used that had facehugger-like drones to enslave Earth's population. Something like this would be a great way to get the team together, without relying on an Apokalyptik threat like Darkseid.

Perhaps it would be best to show that Superman and Batman already know each other, or the camaraderie between Flash and Green Lantern. We don't have to show everyone meeting for the first time; history can be easily explained with several lines of dialogue. You'll save time building character relationships by showing that some team members already have friendships, or at least have met in the past. Even if you use only five characters, as the most recent reports said, you're going to have one hell of a time giving everyone something to do (let alone developing characters) without solo movies to establish figures like Wonder Woman, Aquaman and the Flash. So go light with the exposition on Superman and Batman, and have fun with the down-to-earth Flash and the culturally inept Aquaman and Wonder Woman. Don't beat us over the head with Supes and Bats shenanigans; your audience already knows who they are, and so should the characters in your movie. If you're going to do this shit backwards (i.e. the reverse of Marvel's model), give the other characters time to shine to drive up interest in the solo movies that can follow Justice League.

Oh, and please, for the love of Kirby, try to steer clear of those classic cliched "we're superheroes who have never met, and through some inexplicable misunderstanding, have to fight each other before we can team up!" moments. It worked for decades in the comics, but with these characters? Plus, they already did that in Avengers, which leads me to my next point.

4. Don't Try To Copy Marvel

I know you soulless corporate bastards want that Avengers money so bad you can taste it. But if you want to make money on it, you can't cheapen this brand or these characters in order to make a buck. I know you want to make money. But establishing this brand, in a unique way, entertainingly and successfully, will mean that you can CONTINUE to make money on sequels, merchandise and spin-offs. Does Marvel have a plan to successfully continue their characters between and beyond Avengers? Absolutely. But that is what's working for THEM, for THEIR characters. Trying to emulate Marvel's business model will further cheapen your brand, and your audience will know it. They'll see Justice League, a movie based on one of the original superhero teams, and dismiss it as an Avengers ripoff almost immediately. You need someone who WANTS to make this into a movie, someone who, first and foremost, has a love and an understanding of what makes these characters tick, what makes them special. Making money and following your studio notes about why such-and-such doing such-and-such isn't marketable and being your paid bitch should not be qualities to look for in a writer or director. Story and character should come first to whomever you hire, and if it's good, like Whedon's Avengers, it will sell. Slavishly trying to replicate Marvel's success is going to look like a slavish replication of what Marvel has done, period.

If you make Justice League first, then make it able to stand on its own before licking your lips at all the money you can make on what comes after. Drop all the references and hints that you want, but adding those instead of story, dialogue and character development will not hold your movie together. You can ask Angela Bassett how well that Amanda Waller cameo worked out for her and get back to me, if need be.

Conclusion

If this movie ever gets off the ground, they'll probably fuck it up anyway. I think weighing in my two cents is probably not going to go anywhere except to (possibly) ingratiate myself with my fellow dorks. Even though I have strong opinions about what I would like to see done with this franchise, I can't imagine how insurmountable a task this must seem to any writer or director approached with the job. But at the same time, is it truly that difficult to make a film based on a long-beloved property that doesn't change things to piss off the fans and still have universal appeal? This is the Justice League, for fuck's sake! Almost everyone knows who Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman are! Let's leave the exposition for the comics that spawned this media and merchandising machine that the WB constantly profits from, and just make a damn fine movie to rival Avengers in scope and scale without tirelessly trying to top it, ape it, or outsell it, shall we?

Just give us a good, un-rushed Justice League, Warner Bros. Us geeks will continue to sort out which superheroes from which universes would win in a fight while you and Disney have your pissing contests over how big the box office is.

-Swift

REVIEW: Play Arts Kai Arkham City Catwoman and Batman

Ah, yes, more Play Arts for me to get my tattooed bear paws on. Mwahahaha. I LOVE Arkham Asylum/Arkham City. These games are the greatest comic-to-game translation ever, and currently one of my favorite versions of the Batman Mythos period (even over Nolan's films). So getting great action figures of great designs is a bonus for me, at this point. Read on to see how well these two fare.

Catwoman

Catwoman's game design didn't stray too far from the modern look in the comics, which is a huge plus. She's had a variety of designs over the years, being one of Batman's oldest adversaries, some being very silly, while others were more cheesecake (not saying this one isn't, of course), but Darwyn Cooke's turn-of-the-century "catsuit" costume, to me, makes the most sense. And this take-off on it, while it definitely sexes her up more than a bit thanks to Square's Anime styling, is probably one of the best female figures ever.

The Good: The overall look is great. The seams and zippers, buckles and laces are all sculpted superbly and painted appropriately, with little slop that I can find. Her hands swap out easily, and the included "googles-down" head would be a huge bonus, if not for something I'll get to momentarily. And while the figure brings plenty of vampy va-va-va-voom to the table, this kitten's got claws. It's very nice that she has TWO sets of extra hands, making three sets altogether: relaxed, gripping, and claws out. She can pose down and go blow for blow with any of your PAK, or even catfight Harley like miAmego did on the Fwoosh boards. Her whip fits well in both hands, and is made of a fairly flexible plastic if you want to ensnare other figures.

The Bad: I love swappable accessories on my action figures. It gives dorks like me plenty of options for play display. Having said that, swappable accessories are worth absolutely FUCK ALL if you cannot swap said pieces out easily. Thus, the swappable heads. The normal, "goggles up" head pops off very easily. The alternate head, however, would not go on without a little heating, and now, will not come off without bringing the entire two-ball neck peg with it. I seriously can't get it out now that I've put the goggled head on, not even with needle-nose plyers and more heating, and I fear chipping paint or otherwise breaking it trying to pry the peg free, or, worse yet, losing the neck peg if I get it off (like I almost did with Batman). If Square is going to continue doing extra heads, they need to include an extra neck peg or at least reassess how large the alternate head's hole has to be to fit the ball peg. It's really frustrating that I can't just swap it out, and makes me feel cheated somehow. I intend to write them about it when I get the chance. And the only reason I have a pic of her with the normal head on is because I simply set it on the neck post and snapped the photo.

Otherwise, the normal portrait has a dark airbrushing that's a little distracting. It looks like Selina's makeup is running, and it seems like a widespread problem. It's not as bad as Kratos or even the Joker, but it may bother some. Her joints are all great, save for the the clicky-joint on her left hip and her right shoulder is a tad loose. The hip doesn't seem to be a big problem, as the joint still functions properly, but I fear her shoulder may droop over time and as it gets used for posing.

Overall: Catwoman is the definite winner of these two. If you already have the AA Bats and are leery of spending another sixty buck on the AC version, do yourself a favor and at least pick up Selina. Again, one of, if not THE best female action figures I've ever owned. The constantly-improving PAK articulation scheme really shines here, and you can get her into plenty of poses that don't detract from the femininity of it being a woman character, and the exaggerated Anime proportions definitely help with that.

Batman

Bruce here has seen a lot of PAK love thus far, and that doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. I balked at another game-styled Batman at first, and then realized that not only was he significantly different, but that I'm a big enough dork for all things Batman to be suckered into buying him anyway. There are plenty of differences between this and the AA version, the most noticeable being his overall build and stature. He simply looks more imposing than AA Bats, and when placed next to each other, AC Bats is taller and wider in the shoulders.

The Good: Again, the stature and build are what really struck me on this figure. The upper body in particular looks much more like the game model. The bat emblem on his chest looks bolder than the AA, but still a little off from the game. The blue used on him, at first glance, seems the same as the AA Bats, but in better lighting there's a deep royal blue airbrushing going on that just makes him pop more. The cape sculpt is nice, but I have issues with it that I'll get to below.

His accessories we've seen before: The batclaw and a batarang. As far as I can tell, these are straight-up re-use from the original, as are his hands. The new accessory included, however, is a line for the batclaw that you can swap out and ensnare baddies (or Catwoman, I guess, if she's into that). The best accessory, to me, is the alternate portrait with a sort of snarling face. Normally, these sculpts can make it look like a toy is taking a shit. But this one is very well done. Just standing him on the shelf, posed cracking his knuckles, makes it look as if he's sizing up the rest of my collection and wondering who to hit first and exactly how hard. Bats poses pretty well, too, with some limitations, but looks great just standing there, ready to dole out some broken limbs to anyone stupid enough to fuck with the Goddamn Batman.

The Bad: The cape. The cape baffles me quite a bit. One of the great successes of the AA version, to me, was the clicky-joints that the cape was mounted on in two sections. The fact that this one is not only glued down but limits his articulation is a huge bummer. Yes, the plastic is pliable, but not nearly as much as I'd like. But the tradeoff is that the stiffer plastic can help balance Bats in a number of poses, and a softer material would have made that impossible, or at least exasperating when trying to get him to stand.

"I believe I can fly... I believe I can touch the sky..."

"Fuck you."

The extra head is a pain in the ass here, too; but unlike Selina, I can get my plyers in and pop the neck peg out to swap them, which is still something I'm not fond of doing. Good thing I like the angry head, I guess. Also, mine has some minor paint issues: several spots on the neutral head had either been worn off during assembly and packaging or simply weren't painted evenly to begin with, leaving dots of flesh-colored plastic showing.

While the color scheme has grown on me, it looks a little odd to see a blue and gray Batman without blue gloves and boots. The gauntlets and shin greaves are in a dark gunmetal with varying grays that make up the gloves and boots. So if you're looking for a more traditional looking Bats and the slightly shorter height on the AA doesn't bother you, this one may not be for you. Also, his build going down to the waist is a little strange. His lower torso tapers to the belt line, and then blows up to accommodate his huge legs. The proportions on the AA are a tad more realistic.

Overall: While I'm slightly disappointed, I still really like this Batman. The differences between AC and AA are enough for me to be satisfied with my purchase, even with the cape and swappable head issues. Since the AA Bats is going for $80 or more on the aftermarket, I'd say this is probably a smarter buy, especially if you happen to think like me that this one looks more badass, even with the posing limitations. Here's hoping the issues with both can be addressed in future releases (and hope that Square doesn't go the Hot Toys route in releasing new and improved versions of older figures twice every year), and if not, maybe they can send me extra neck pegs for both. But I doubt it.

Til next time, kids.

-Swift