I've been away for awhile. Settled down, bought a house, grown complacent. Dare I say it, I've calmed down a little.
Maybe I haven't calmed down and just been happy to stick my head in the sand. Been happier not being online, or at least not fucking with social media (do Reddit and a blog post after five years count?), because I truly believe more, with each passing day, that social media continues to make us dumber as a species.
So what could possibly bring me out of retirement, you ask, to this tired web page chock full of old posts that are mostly toy reviews?
It's the hate, you see. The stench of it purveying nearly everything these days, the inability for some of us to just enjoy things, no matter how flawed or stupid they are, and to act like whiny manchildren (and womenchildren, I suppose- the ladies surely hate as well) who contribute nothing, yet think somehow, something could be better.
I'm so tired of the hate and anger, the impotent bile of an amalgam of generations directed at... Everything. Everyone. That's right kids-- when things get too angry for the old Swifter, you know shit's well and truly fucked up.
So the Russians built an underground facility in the Starcourt mall-- wait, sorry, I just watched Stranger Things 3-- but our formerly communist friends did help tovarisch Cheeto win an election, because they supposedly have evidence of him getting pissed on by some hooers from a former Eastern Bloc nation, so they likely forced him into running for president so he could be their puppet.
ISN'T THAT FUCKING INSANE?!!
It may as well be the plot to a popular Netflix show! Is this real life? Is it really a shared reality we're all experiencing that an orange man with cotton candy hair is doing another country's bidding while under the auspices of the highest office in America?
That in itself is fucking crazy. Yet the HATE is why this guy even stood a chance. The ANGER of poor, willfully ignorant white people and their fear of a world that no longer looks like them has contributed to this air conditioned nightmare we currently occupy. The foreign agents have weaponised, and continue to weaponise, social media to create more hate and anger in our culture to the point that it's pervasive.
How pervasive, you ask? Well, for starters, these motherfuckers are comin' for my goddamn Star Wars.
* * *
I lived through the prequels. The Special Editions were my first theatrical exposure to Star Wars; I lived through the hype leading up to them, and the cool off and eventual backlash. The hate was strong there, too-- it's been enumerated on plenty elsewhere, and rightfully so-- but nothing I've seen, read, or experienced firsthand over the nine or so years it took for the prequels to be advertised, merchandised, seen and dissected even compares to the fan division over the Last Jedi.
Before we go further, let me openly admit that I LOVE The Last Jedi. It looks amazing, adds to the lore, and gives us things we've never seen on screen before (an apprentice slaying his master to usurp him being one of the cooler moments). So if you think the movie sucked for whatever reason, fuck off, comrade. The only reason you have to stick around at this point is to hear how you're wrong.
All us fan boys and girls and geezers have expectations. Hell, we have them just as human beings. But when it comes to fandom, there's a whole bunch of us nerdy dickwads with all sorts of ideas as to how things SHOULD go. And when they don't, we tend to throw temper tantrums like the complicated titty babies we all have a tendency to be, to some degree, at least some of the time. But get over it. As someone else has said, for beloved franchises to continue, there can't be happy endings.
Look. I'd liked to have seen Luke Skywalker fuck shit up as much as the next dude who all but gets a boner talking about Star Wars. But that's not what happened. I would argue that what did happen was more badass, in its own way, but the haters just wanna cry about how they shouldn't of had Luke exile himself in the first place.
But they did, okay? They did, and now we have girls as main and supporting characters, a black guy as a Stormtrooper, and Carrie Fisher doing her best Christopher Reeve impression. So what?! Is any of that more ridiculous than sad children as Darth Vader and Boba Fett? Is any of that even near as fucking stupid as Jar Jar motherfucking Binks?!!
The truth is, none of the above should be things people even give a shit about (okay, maybe Jar Jar. Outside of the Clone Wars cartoon series he was pretty useless). If you do give a shit about any of that, to the point you harassed Kelly Marie Tran, or signed the petition for the gelatinous cockstain who supposedly has beaucoup bucks to remake The Last Jedi, or just generally dismissed the movie because it tore down the hero you own a myriad of action figures of, you're either A) a fucking joyless, bucket-of-lard-on-a-bad-day, basement-dwelling asshole no better than a vaguely racist, misogynist baby boomer, or B) a formerly communist agent of a current government that wants to divide another nation, right down to its popular culture.
I'm not claiming to know how many fall in either camp, but to those of you I've just insulted-- is it hard living in mom's basement? Sorry, I get distracted-- if you're still reading, which camp do you want to fall in? Because neither of those are groups I'd like to associate with.
* * *
The world moves on from all of us, to one degree or another, with time. Change is the only constant in the universe, after all. But new things--sequels of beloved movies, specifically, or remakes or adaptations-- don't negate or destroy the thing you loved that had a less than satisfying continuation to you. In this digital world, all that shit exists in some form still for you to revisit and continue to enjoy, ignoring the new shit altogether, if you want!
So get with it and find something to enjoy, like I still enjoy facets of the prequels. Because something didn't live up to your considerable expectations does not mean your childhood is ruined-- it means maybe it's not for you, anymore. Don't drag the rest of us who still want to be included and along for the ride down with you with the hate. It's tired and old, or maybe I'm tired and old and can't keep up with it-- but stay in your cave, troll. Some of us want to see a few more twin sunsets before we're done.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em, kids. I'm back, but who knows for how long.
