Sunday, February 27, 2011
Raise My Taxes If It Means More Abortions
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Friday, February 25, 2011
I'm Chairman of the Bored
I'M BORED!!!
So yeah... This week has sucked. To steal a phrase from Jon Stewart, "I have the bubons. Again." I've been sick since monday with the flu and am just now feeling better. Which actually isn't saying much.
Plus work closed for the third time this year due to the weather when I was not scheduled to work. Awesome!
Anyways, I'm bored and wanted to ramble for a bit. I'm trying to come up with new articles, but after I knocked out the Steve Harvey one (and quite well, if I say so myself), I haven't really had the muse or whatever speaking to me. I'm sure something will catch my attention soon.
I have a couple weekends off in March coming up, and one of them I intended to spend with the lady in Pittsburgh to hang with the Kyklops gang. Any thoughts on a 'journal' while we're there? I'm sure a play-by-play of some of the shenanigans/conversations/anything involving Paul Stubbs could be extremely humorous to not only those that know him but to outside observers, as well.
Of course I could be setting myself up to lose a bunch of friends (not to mention my girlfriend!) who don't realize I'm that huge of a degenerate. But it's all or nothing with me, so figger out where ya stand now, fuckers.
Oh well. I'm getting back to health. Expect a new post when you see one, kids.
-Swift
So yeah... This week has sucked. To steal a phrase from Jon Stewart, "I have the bubons. Again." I've been sick since monday with the flu and am just now feeling better. Which actually isn't saying much.
Plus work closed for the third time this year due to the weather when I was not scheduled to work. Awesome!
Anyways, I'm bored and wanted to ramble for a bit. I'm trying to come up with new articles, but after I knocked out the Steve Harvey one (and quite well, if I say so myself), I haven't really had the muse or whatever speaking to me. I'm sure something will catch my attention soon.
I have a couple weekends off in March coming up, and one of them I intended to spend with the lady in Pittsburgh to hang with the Kyklops gang. Any thoughts on a 'journal' while we're there? I'm sure a play-by-play of some of the shenanigans/conversations/anything involving Paul Stubbs could be extremely humorous to not only those that know him but to outside observers, as well.
Of course I could be setting myself up to lose a bunch of friends (not to mention my girlfriend!) who don't realize I'm that huge of a degenerate. But it's all or nothing with me, so figger out where ya stand now, fuckers.
Oh well. I'm getting back to health. Expect a new post when you see one, kids.
-Swift
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Survey Says... Fuck You, Steve Harvey!
So, 'Broderick.' I understand you're more successful than ever. I hear that ratings on Family Feud have gone up twenty percent since you took over as host. I hear your radio show has over six million listeners.
But this is about your books. You know, the two relationship-advice books you've written, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man and Straight Talk, No Chaser. Now, as if the first book's title wasn't insulting and misogynistic enough, you happen to be a man who is on his third marriage giving people relationship advice.
That should be all I have to say, really. That it's taken you three tries to 'get it right,' and it remains to be seen if you'll get it right this time. You've been quoted as priding yourself on telling the 'truth.' What truth is that? That men are all cheating, piece-of-shit scumbags that have to be catered to, kowtowed to and coddled in order for a woman to keep them around? That women are all looking for someone to settle down and have children with as soon as possible?
Maybe the 'truth' is that a man isn't worth a woman's time unless he has a good relationship with his mama, not to mention a good relationship with gawd.
Broderick, I understand that your books are mostly aimed at a certain group: the six-inch-long nail and eighteen inches of fake hair crowd. You know, hoochie mamas. So you encourage these women to continue being vain, ignorant bitches who know that their place is at home, pumping out units, cooking, cleaning, and picking up the kids while you "profess, provide and protect?"
Fuck that.
Doesn't our culture do enough damage by indoctrinating girls into the whole cult of prettier-than-thou at an early age without your bald, mustached visage compounding matters? Do you even realize the damage you do by encouraging this sort of bigoted, chauvinistic viewpoint on Oprah and every morning on your radio show? Do you even care?
Never mind that some of these women want careers for themselves or to be able to support themselves without a man, or that children aren't in their plans at all. Or that they might want a relationship with a woman. It's all about keeping these women in line just like your bible says you ought to. So because you hide behind your religion with its outmoded ideas it makes the fact that you're being a complete bigot to the opposite sex okay, huh?
Maybe you're just cashing in on people's ignorance. On some level, if that were true, I might respect you a bit. But I really think you've bought into your entire line of bullshit to the point where you really think you're qualified to give women advice about how to "Find, Keep, and Understand a Man." Maybe I shouldn't care that you're just propagating a way of life that's been going on in our culture for generations.
And I suppose you're not the only one guilty of this. Look at these Duggar people and their nineteen kids: Religion strikes again. But even with their television show, I'm inclined to think people find them a little bit crazy. But you, Broderick? You're mainstream. You starred in a Spike Lee documentary! Any advice you give can't be bad, regardless of whether it continues to set gender relations back hundreds of years, right?
So I guess these books you write and their popularity isn't so much the cause of a greater disease but merely a symptom. Optimistically, I'd like to think our society has moved past so much of this nonsense about ancient texts being able to tell people how to live their lives, but then Act Like a Lady and its sequel come along and remind me that we have a long way to go.
Hell, the title of the first book alone should be enough to tell an intelligent, independent woman in the twenty-first century that they don't want to buy what you're selling, but almost two years on best-sellers' lists say otherwise.
Ladies, this is my plea to you: stop letting other people, specifically men (and men who decide to be relationship gurus after less than four years in their third marriage), tell you what you ought to be looking for. Stop letting society tell you how you should act, what you should wear, how you should think, and how much weight you could stand to lose, for fuck's sake.
Women still have it hard enough without caving in to pressure from bald assholes like Broderick who are just making a quick buck off of ignorance and stupidity, all the while hiding behind their 'experience' and their belief in an invisible bully to tell you your place.
Figure out, for yourself, what you want out of life. If any of that falls into the whole 'married with kids' thing, fine. Just so long as you wanted it for yourself and not because gawd told you your place was in the kitchen between pumping out children.
-Swift
But this is about your books. You know, the two relationship-advice books you've written, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man and Straight Talk, No Chaser. Now, as if the first book's title wasn't insulting and misogynistic enough, you happen to be a man who is on his third marriage giving people relationship advice.
That should be all I have to say, really. That it's taken you three tries to 'get it right,' and it remains to be seen if you'll get it right this time. You've been quoted as priding yourself on telling the 'truth.' What truth is that? That men are all cheating, piece-of-shit scumbags that have to be catered to, kowtowed to and coddled in order for a woman to keep them around? That women are all looking for someone to settle down and have children with as soon as possible?
Maybe the 'truth' is that a man isn't worth a woman's time unless he has a good relationship with his mama, not to mention a good relationship with gawd.
Broderick, I understand that your books are mostly aimed at a certain group: the six-inch-long nail and eighteen inches of fake hair crowd. You know, hoochie mamas. So you encourage these women to continue being vain, ignorant bitches who know that their place is at home, pumping out units, cooking, cleaning, and picking up the kids while you "profess, provide and protect?"
Fuck that.
Doesn't our culture do enough damage by indoctrinating girls into the whole cult of prettier-than-thou at an early age without your bald, mustached visage compounding matters? Do you even realize the damage you do by encouraging this sort of bigoted, chauvinistic viewpoint on Oprah and every morning on your radio show? Do you even care?
Never mind that some of these women want careers for themselves or to be able to support themselves without a man, or that children aren't in their plans at all. Or that they might want a relationship with a woman. It's all about keeping these women in line just like your bible says you ought to. So because you hide behind your religion with its outmoded ideas it makes the fact that you're being a complete bigot to the opposite sex okay, huh?
Maybe you're just cashing in on people's ignorance. On some level, if that were true, I might respect you a bit. But I really think you've bought into your entire line of bullshit to the point where you really think you're qualified to give women advice about how to "Find, Keep, and Understand a Man." Maybe I shouldn't care that you're just propagating a way of life that's been going on in our culture for generations.
And I suppose you're not the only one guilty of this. Look at these Duggar people and their nineteen kids: Religion strikes again. But even with their television show, I'm inclined to think people find them a little bit crazy. But you, Broderick? You're mainstream. You starred in a Spike Lee documentary! Any advice you give can't be bad, regardless of whether it continues to set gender relations back hundreds of years, right?
So I guess these books you write and their popularity isn't so much the cause of a greater disease but merely a symptom. Optimistically, I'd like to think our society has moved past so much of this nonsense about ancient texts being able to tell people how to live their lives, but then Act Like a Lady and its sequel come along and remind me that we have a long way to go.
Hell, the title of the first book alone should be enough to tell an intelligent, independent woman in the twenty-first century that they don't want to buy what you're selling, but almost two years on best-sellers' lists say otherwise.
Ladies, this is my plea to you: stop letting other people, specifically men (and men who decide to be relationship gurus after less than four years in their third marriage), tell you what you ought to be looking for. Stop letting society tell you how you should act, what you should wear, how you should think, and how much weight you could stand to lose, for fuck's sake.
Women still have it hard enough without caving in to pressure from bald assholes like Broderick who are just making a quick buck off of ignorance and stupidity, all the while hiding behind their 'experience' and their belief in an invisible bully to tell you your place.
Figure out, for yourself, what you want out of life. If any of that falls into the whole 'married with kids' thing, fine. Just so long as you wanted it for yourself and not because gawd told you your place was in the kitchen between pumping out children.
-Swift
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Kids Are Dumb
Figure I'd have a quick rant since I'm 'researching' for a post about how much Steve Harvey sucks (would someone carve a line into his bald head, please?) and haven't posted in a bit. Just haven't been feeling it, or something.
Anyways...
Who the fuck are these dumb parents (and dumber kids) allowing their underage children to get modded? I was paraded with these people all week. A girl and her mother (a sensible one) were discussing the daughter's sixteen-year-old friend who has facial piercings and how she got them. We discussed how not only was the parent irresponsible for letting their child get pierced that young, but that the piercer doing it was probably a sketchy character.
But parents' and piercers'/tattooers' irresponsibility aside for the moment, it's short-sightedness on the part of the children.
More examples:
I waited on a nineteen-year-old who had a star tattooed on the webbing of her hand that had a least a couple years' fade on it.
Remember the seventeen-year-old with the tears on his face in an earlier post? How about the twenty-year-old with stars on hers?
I'm baffled. I want to ask these kids if they have a job, and if not, where they intend to find one.
First, to the parents: I know you want your kids to think you're cool. You're not cool. Your dumb ass is encouraging your dumb kid to make a dumb decision, a decision that should be looked at (moreso for tattoos) with a mature mindset from a person who knows exactly what they want and who they are.
Second, to the piercer or artist: What the fuck are you thinking, taking money from a kid under eighteen let alone letting a parent support dumb decisions? Yeah, I get that you wanna make money. But (again, mostly to the artists) do you have the integrity to step back and say, even to the kids who are eighteen: "How old are you again? What field of work are you trying to get into? Have you thought this through at all?"
Which leads to the kids. I just don't understand what the fuck you kids are thinking. I know any kids reading this would probably see me and call me a hypocrite. Nothing is farther from the truth.
Yes, I have a lot of visible tattoos that could make my life difficult if I lose my job. I understand the consequences of what I've done and made sure I was covered at my work before getting anything.
Yes, my work has no policy regarding tattoos and piercings. Would I have gotten hired, looking the way I do now? I doubt it.
Find yourself a job first that has some semblance of longevity or 'growth' or whatever the fuck they call it and then freak out a little bit with your body mods. Let the people you work for and with get to know you first and make sure they can't fire you or tell you to take jewelry out before getting modded, goddammit.
I doubt my parents would have signed off on a tattoo. Not that I wanted them when I was underage, but I'm glad I never asked. I got my first tattoo at twenty-three, and there's at least two pieces I wish I could cover up or do differently! What are you thinking?!
I think a lot more shops should resist the easy money of stupid people and say NO to letting parents sign. Tattoos and piercings are fucking grown folks' business!!! Keep the teenagers out of the studio regardless of whether they have mom's permission or the cash to pay. I've been saying for awhile now that they should change the 'modding age' to twenty-one; but then again I'm also of the opinion little kids shouldn't be allowed to have their ears pierced by guns that have a 'puncher' in them no sharper or sterile than the tines on a clean fork (the next time you think the cute girl with the nose stud at Claire's is positive exposure for piercings/tattoos, think again. She and her ilk are cretinous harpies promoting Blunt Force Trauma. Don't get me started on all that).
So unless the shops and parents step up to be uncool and assholey to these teenagers and actually have some fucking integrity, these kids will continue making these rash decisions involving some not-so-temporary shit. Recent studies have shown that the human brain is essentially fucking retarded until the mid-twenties, people. Parents, Body Modders, please have a little responsibility and discourage widespread jackassery regarding people who don't have a fully-developed front lobe.
And yes, I realize that more responsible parents and Industry members won't stop kids (and ignorant people in general) from going to Scatchy McScratcherson tattooing out of his buddy's basement, but we gotta start having some fucking sense regarding this culture start somewhere, don't we?
Man, these kids are fucking dumb. I suppose it's not entirely their fault, but it doesn't make them any less dumb.
-Swift
Anyways...
Who the fuck are these dumb parents (and dumber kids) allowing their underage children to get modded? I was paraded with these people all week. A girl and her mother (a sensible one) were discussing the daughter's sixteen-year-old friend who has facial piercings and how she got them. We discussed how not only was the parent irresponsible for letting their child get pierced that young, but that the piercer doing it was probably a sketchy character.
But parents' and piercers'/tattooers' irresponsibility aside for the moment, it's short-sightedness on the part of the children.
More examples:
I waited on a nineteen-year-old who had a star tattooed on the webbing of her hand that had a least a couple years' fade on it.
Remember the seventeen-year-old with the tears on his face in an earlier post? How about the twenty-year-old with stars on hers?
I'm baffled. I want to ask these kids if they have a job, and if not, where they intend to find one.
First, to the parents: I know you want your kids to think you're cool. You're not cool. Your dumb ass is encouraging your dumb kid to make a dumb decision, a decision that should be looked at (moreso for tattoos) with a mature mindset from a person who knows exactly what they want and who they are.
Second, to the piercer or artist: What the fuck are you thinking, taking money from a kid under eighteen let alone letting a parent support dumb decisions? Yeah, I get that you wanna make money. But (again, mostly to the artists) do you have the integrity to step back and say, even to the kids who are eighteen: "How old are you again? What field of work are you trying to get into? Have you thought this through at all?"
Which leads to the kids. I just don't understand what the fuck you kids are thinking. I know any kids reading this would probably see me and call me a hypocrite. Nothing is farther from the truth.
Yes, I have a lot of visible tattoos that could make my life difficult if I lose my job. I understand the consequences of what I've done and made sure I was covered at my work before getting anything.
Yes, my work has no policy regarding tattoos and piercings. Would I have gotten hired, looking the way I do now? I doubt it.
Find yourself a job first that has some semblance of longevity or 'growth' or whatever the fuck they call it and then freak out a little bit with your body mods. Let the people you work for and with get to know you first and make sure they can't fire you or tell you to take jewelry out before getting modded, goddammit.
I doubt my parents would have signed off on a tattoo. Not that I wanted them when I was underage, but I'm glad I never asked. I got my first tattoo at twenty-three, and there's at least two pieces I wish I could cover up or do differently! What are you thinking?!
I think a lot more shops should resist the easy money of stupid people and say NO to letting parents sign. Tattoos and piercings are fucking grown folks' business!!! Keep the teenagers out of the studio regardless of whether they have mom's permission or the cash to pay. I've been saying for awhile now that they should change the 'modding age' to twenty-one; but then again I'm also of the opinion little kids shouldn't be allowed to have their ears pierced by guns that have a 'puncher' in them no sharper or sterile than the tines on a clean fork (the next time you think the cute girl with the nose stud at Claire's is positive exposure for piercings/tattoos, think again. She and her ilk are cretinous harpies promoting Blunt Force Trauma. Don't get me started on all that).
So unless the shops and parents step up to be uncool and assholey to these teenagers and actually have some fucking integrity, these kids will continue making these rash decisions involving some not-so-temporary shit. Recent studies have shown that the human brain is essentially fucking retarded until the mid-twenties, people. Parents, Body Modders, please have a little responsibility and discourage widespread jackassery regarding people who don't have a fully-developed front lobe.
And yes, I realize that more responsible parents and Industry members won't stop kids (and ignorant people in general) from going to Scatchy McScratcherson tattooing out of his buddy's basement, but we gotta start having some fucking sense regarding this culture start somewhere, don't we?
Man, these kids are fucking dumb. I suppose it's not entirely their fault, but it doesn't make them any less dumb.
-Swift
Monday, February 14, 2011
Why Do We Think We Are Who We Think We Are?
There's a fairly new show on the telly called "Who Do You Think You Are?" where they send celebrities on a road trip to uncover their genealogy. Now, I'm not particularly fond of celebrities doing anything on television that doesn't involve their trade (I'm looking at you, Bono and countless others. I really don't give a fuck about your political views and what you're taking a stand for, okay?), around the time Tim McGraw found out his 8th great-grandfather once lodged George Washington, it got me thinking:
Why do we put so much importance on genealogy and family history? On some level I understand that people are curious about who their ancestors were and where their family came from. But it all boils down to a sort of haphazardly-placed pride in the achievements of people who you've never met.
Direct relations are one thing; My father and his father before him are (in Grandpa Swift's case, were) interesting characters and certified badasses, to boot. I'm happy to know my old man and happy I knew Charles Swift for as long as I did, though I wish I knew him better. But am I proud to know them? I don't think "pride" is the right word.
Happy is more appropriate. I'm happy that these two men shaped my life, along with countless others, to make me who I am today. I don't understand where pride comes into it. Pride is something you reserve for personal accomplishments, isn't it? Proud that you aced your test, proud that you broke your best score on Katamari. Proud that you mustered the strength for that extra lap on your morning run, if you're into that.
What I'm trying to get at is people take pride in their heritage. They take pride in their ethnicity. People take pride and identify themselves with far too many things that end up happening purely by accident.
Why take pride in things you had nothing to do with and no control over? It seems quite silly and presumptuous to me that people are proud to be Irish or Italian or Latino when it was sheer luck and genetics that got them there. Seriously, what the fuck did you have to do with it? And by researching your genealogy, what does that accomplish? Is this thing responsible for people's over-inflated sense of identity? Does finding out some distant relation of yours met some ancient celebrity change who you are?
Not for me it doesn't.
My dad was into genealogy for a little while, and while it's interesting, I felt it didn't affect me. What my ancestors did and where they came from is of little consequence to who I am as a person, in the present, save for the fact that they setlled where they did and passed along some genes.
It's all part of a larger problem with our culture, I think: this sycophantic longing to somehow gain a measure of celebrity for ourselves by associations with powerful, 'important', famous people. So when we're not too busy posting videos of whatever bullshit we got into over the weekend (or hoping people give a shit enough to read their blogged ramblings, perhaps? Touche, self-deprecation.) or tweeting that we just took a shit, we're looking backward now for some sort of affirmation that our ancestors mattered and that, by extension, we matter.
Hate to break it to you, folks, but it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter whether you're Irish, Italian, Scandinavian, African, Egyptian, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Taoist, or whatever. We're all just people, different breeds from the same species, and at the end of the day, unless you end up being the guy with your finger on the button that starts nuclear war and ends it all, nothing we do really matters, because our race will merely be a footnote in this planet's history. Optimistic, right? Okay, not a happy thought, but I think if more people realized how fleeting everything we do is in relation to this planet's and galaxy's longevity, maybe we wouldn't have so many idiotic problems regarding how we look at ourselves and each other.
So, enough of this pride. Be humble, goddammit. Just be fucking happy, wouldja? Save the pride for the things you work hard to do instead of taking pride in random acts of your grandparents fucking. Think about that, the next time you have these 'pride' thoughts floating up to the top of your brain like turds: your grandparents, great-grandparents and every ancestor you ever had going back to the Bronze Age, Fucking.
That'll keep you from taking too much stock in where you came from. Be happy where you came from. Don't be proud. Or be ashamed where you came from, even. I know a lot of us have shitty family out there. Just stop this pride bullshit.
-Swift
Why do we put so much importance on genealogy and family history? On some level I understand that people are curious about who their ancestors were and where their family came from. But it all boils down to a sort of haphazardly-placed pride in the achievements of people who you've never met.
Direct relations are one thing; My father and his father before him are (in Grandpa Swift's case, were) interesting characters and certified badasses, to boot. I'm happy to know my old man and happy I knew Charles Swift for as long as I did, though I wish I knew him better. But am I proud to know them? I don't think "pride" is the right word.
Happy is more appropriate. I'm happy that these two men shaped my life, along with countless others, to make me who I am today. I don't understand where pride comes into it. Pride is something you reserve for personal accomplishments, isn't it? Proud that you aced your test, proud that you broke your best score on Katamari. Proud that you mustered the strength for that extra lap on your morning run, if you're into that.
What I'm trying to get at is people take pride in their heritage. They take pride in their ethnicity. People take pride and identify themselves with far too many things that end up happening purely by accident.
Why take pride in things you had nothing to do with and no control over? It seems quite silly and presumptuous to me that people are proud to be Irish or Italian or Latino when it was sheer luck and genetics that got them there. Seriously, what the fuck did you have to do with it? And by researching your genealogy, what does that accomplish? Is this thing responsible for people's over-inflated sense of identity? Does finding out some distant relation of yours met some ancient celebrity change who you are?
Not for me it doesn't.
My dad was into genealogy for a little while, and while it's interesting, I felt it didn't affect me. What my ancestors did and where they came from is of little consequence to who I am as a person, in the present, save for the fact that they setlled where they did and passed along some genes.
It's all part of a larger problem with our culture, I think: this sycophantic longing to somehow gain a measure of celebrity for ourselves by associations with powerful, 'important', famous people. So when we're not too busy posting videos of whatever bullshit we got into over the weekend (or hoping people give a shit enough to read their blogged ramblings, perhaps? Touche, self-deprecation.) or tweeting that we just took a shit, we're looking backward now for some sort of affirmation that our ancestors mattered and that, by extension, we matter.
Hate to break it to you, folks, but it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter whether you're Irish, Italian, Scandinavian, African, Egyptian, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Taoist, or whatever. We're all just people, different breeds from the same species, and at the end of the day, unless you end up being the guy with your finger on the button that starts nuclear war and ends it all, nothing we do really matters, because our race will merely be a footnote in this planet's history. Optimistic, right? Okay, not a happy thought, but I think if more people realized how fleeting everything we do is in relation to this planet's and galaxy's longevity, maybe we wouldn't have so many idiotic problems regarding how we look at ourselves and each other.
So, enough of this pride. Be humble, goddammit. Just be fucking happy, wouldja? Save the pride for the things you work hard to do instead of taking pride in random acts of your grandparents fucking. Think about that, the next time you have these 'pride' thoughts floating up to the top of your brain like turds: your grandparents, great-grandparents and every ancestor you ever had going back to the Bronze Age, Fucking.
That'll keep you from taking too much stock in where you came from. Be happy where you came from. Don't be proud. Or be ashamed where you came from, even. I know a lot of us have shitty family out there. Just stop this pride bullshit.
-Swift
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Silver Age At DC, Or Where The Fuck Is Wally West?
I've praised DC for giving Dick Grayson his due in my second posting here On The Fringe, and being more of a DC guy, I approve of most of the things they're doing with a lot of their "legacy" characters. Even though I'm not a fan of the Justice League currently consisting of some of the "also-rans" like former Wonder Girl Donna Troy (but seriously, James Robinson, who in the fuck is Congorilla and why is he allowed to hang with your flagship team?), it's nice to see that former Titans (Donna, Cyborg, Dick as Batman) and a former Infinitor/Darkstar like Jade have 'graduated' to the big seats at the JLA table.
But this is about the flip side of that mentality. What about some of the other characters who took up their predecessors' mantles and have faded into the background or been constantly shit on due to editors favoring their Silver Age counterparts?
Let me start off by saying I love the Silver Age characters at DC. I have always been a huge Green Lantern fan, and I really applaud them (and specifically Geoff Johns) for undoing the whole "Hal Jordan went coo-coo bananas and is a villain because we're trying to be hip and trendy by replacing him with a younger character" mess that brought us Kyle Rayner in the nineties. They found a way to bring Hal back and explain that he was possessed by Parallax, rather than Parallax just being Hal's supervillain name. They made the sharp 'heel turn' of Hal matter without saying "well, let's forget that happened," as they are apt to do when someone has a dumb idea in comics.
They didn't kill off Kyle when Hal returned; they merely folded him into the GL mythos and kept him relevant, even saying if not for him, the Green Lantern Corps would not have been resurrected. Kyle currently has his own spotlight, more or less, in Green Lantern Corps. But even with Kyle having regular appearances, he's still taken a back seat to Hal, becoming the least of the four human Green Lantern Corps members.
As much as I grew to like Kyle and matured with his character throughout high school, I still have a fondness for Hal. It makes sense; for a significant portion of my comic-reading life, Hal was the Green Lantern. Sure, he had some greying in his hair, but he was the GL most prominent to me for the longest amount of time, so I get the Hero Worship associated with the character. That combined with the abrupt way they wrote him out of his own book made him ripe for resurrection and redemption.
So, to counter-point: Hal's Silver Age contemporary and one of his best friends was Barry Allen, the Flash. Unlike Hal, Barry did not remain a prominent character into the nineties; no, Barry sacrificed himself to save the universe (perhaps all universes) during Crisis on Infinite Earths in the eighties. It was a ballsy move on DC's part at the time, to kill off one of their big names. Ballsier still was their decision to have his young sidekick step into his mentor's boots and carry on the Flash legacy.
I'm talking about Wallace 'Wally' West.
Wally was the nephew of Barry Allen. He had an accident almost identical to his uncle's that granted him the same super-speed, and he ran alongside the Flash as Kid Flash. He was a founding member of the Teen Titans alongside his best friend Dick Grayson for many, many years.
When Wally took up the Flash mantle, it was a novel concept at the time. I'm fairly certain this was one of, if not the first time, that comics had done something like it.
Wally had big shoes to fill. He went through a lot, coming into money (and losing it), having his secret identity go public (way before Spider-Man's ordeal), got lost in time (what is it with comics characters getting lost this way?), got married, and discovered the fucking Speed Force, the power source of all DC's fleet-footed characters. His wife grew pregnant; his nemesis, Professor Zoom, made her miscarry. He had Hal Jordan (as the Spectre) make everyone forget (even him!) he was the Flash. He and his wife finally had twins and they decided to retire to an alternate reality, passing the Flash colors down to Bart Allen, Barry's grandson.
His retirement was short-lived, but his comic was cancelled and he was relegated to guest appearances (he did have two super-powered brats to try and raise now).
In summation, Wally was the Flash for over twenty years. He joined the JLA when the 'big seven' took over the title again alongside his contemporary, Kyle Rayner. He had a starring role in the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited animated shows (still the best DC cartoons ever), and was favored over his dead uncle as the Flash in many fans' eyes.
Wally was my Flash. He was my generation's Flash in that he's been the Flash to us longer than Barry.
During the recent Final Crisis and Flash:Rebirth, they resurrected Barry Allen. The latter was well-received and entertaining as all hell, featuring almost every speedster and incarnation of the Flash, from the Justice Society's Jay Garrick (ya know, the guy with the goofy helmet), to Wally (who received snazzy new Flash togs), to Bart Allen, former Impulse and Flash and current Kid Flash. It looked like good things were ahead for Wally, even with two super-powered brats. I figured Mr. Johns would give Wally something to do and keep him around, as he had done with Kyle.
But I was wrong. Besides showing up in Rebirth and Blackest Night, Wally hasn't been seen. Now I realize he'll probably turn up in the pending Flash crossover, Flashpoint, but that's like a consolation prize to this Wally West fan. Where the fuck has he been and what the fuck has he been doing when not involved in DC's giant crossovers? I get that he has kids now, but let's ask Bruce Wayne if having Damien around has slowed down his crimefighting and starring in three or four titles a month.
Just because editorial lets you bring back your favorite iteration of a character doesn't mean you have to shit on the ones who've carried the torch in their absence, or forget about them almost entirely. There's plenty of room for three Flashes, if two Batmen and thousands of Green Lanterns are any indication. In fact, Wally would fit in nicely among the other former Titans in the current League lineup. Hell, his best friend is now Batman! Don't you think he might have dropped by Wayne Tower to chat with Dick about the burden of carrying on a mantle? Wouldn't it have been cool, when Dick was having his doubts about being Bats in Bruce's absence, to have Wally speed into town and give him a pep talk?
Or does that make too much sense?
So, DC, Dan DiDio, and Geoff Johns: find something to do with the torch-bearers. Don't act like the Silver Age versions are any better than the contemporary out of preference or misplaced nostalgia. The readers invest time and money and emotion into these characters; I get that you don't want to kill them off because it's 'lazy' writing and you're not aiming to piss off their fans, but having them fade away is barely preferable.
DC has a rich history of characters that thrive on the fact that there are legacies and traditions of names, costumes, mantles and powers being passed down. In an age where one Wolverine is allowed to star in half a dozen titles, DC is unique in that they can have several different characters of the same name and give them plenty to do. There's very little excuse for having them go unused until you need them for your next big event just to remind us they're still around.
Wally carried on the Flash legacy for two decades and made his uncle proud. He became the Flash to a lot of us growing up in the eighties and nineties. And while the Silver Age fever currently running rampant at DC is understandable for a disgraced and mishandled character like Hal, Wally doesn't deserve to go away now that Saint Barry (also referred to across the internet as "Boring Allen") has returned.
Uncle Barry may have died saving all possible worlds ages ago, but how many times has Wally saved the world since? He deserves better, DC. At the very least, he deserves something to fucking do between your mega-crossovers.
-Swift
But this is about the flip side of that mentality. What about some of the other characters who took up their predecessors' mantles and have faded into the background or been constantly shit on due to editors favoring their Silver Age counterparts?
Let me start off by saying I love the Silver Age characters at DC. I have always been a huge Green Lantern fan, and I really applaud them (and specifically Geoff Johns) for undoing the whole "Hal Jordan went coo-coo bananas and is a villain because we're trying to be hip and trendy by replacing him with a younger character" mess that brought us Kyle Rayner in the nineties. They found a way to bring Hal back and explain that he was possessed by Parallax, rather than Parallax just being Hal's supervillain name. They made the sharp 'heel turn' of Hal matter without saying "well, let's forget that happened," as they are apt to do when someone has a dumb idea in comics.
They didn't kill off Kyle when Hal returned; they merely folded him into the GL mythos and kept him relevant, even saying if not for him, the Green Lantern Corps would not have been resurrected. Kyle currently has his own spotlight, more or less, in Green Lantern Corps. But even with Kyle having regular appearances, he's still taken a back seat to Hal, becoming the least of the four human Green Lantern Corps members.
As much as I grew to like Kyle and matured with his character throughout high school, I still have a fondness for Hal. It makes sense; for a significant portion of my comic-reading life, Hal was the Green Lantern. Sure, he had some greying in his hair, but he was the GL most prominent to me for the longest amount of time, so I get the Hero Worship associated with the character. That combined with the abrupt way they wrote him out of his own book made him ripe for resurrection and redemption.
So, to counter-point: Hal's Silver Age contemporary and one of his best friends was Barry Allen, the Flash. Unlike Hal, Barry did not remain a prominent character into the nineties; no, Barry sacrificed himself to save the universe (perhaps all universes) during Crisis on Infinite Earths in the eighties. It was a ballsy move on DC's part at the time, to kill off one of their big names. Ballsier still was their decision to have his young sidekick step into his mentor's boots and carry on the Flash legacy.
I'm talking about Wallace 'Wally' West.
Wally was the nephew of Barry Allen. He had an accident almost identical to his uncle's that granted him the same super-speed, and he ran alongside the Flash as Kid Flash. He was a founding member of the Teen Titans alongside his best friend Dick Grayson for many, many years.
When Wally took up the Flash mantle, it was a novel concept at the time. I'm fairly certain this was one of, if not the first time, that comics had done something like it.
Wally had big shoes to fill. He went through a lot, coming into money (and losing it), having his secret identity go public (way before Spider-Man's ordeal), got lost in time (what is it with comics characters getting lost this way?), got married, and discovered the fucking Speed Force, the power source of all DC's fleet-footed characters. His wife grew pregnant; his nemesis, Professor Zoom, made her miscarry. He had Hal Jordan (as the Spectre) make everyone forget (even him!) he was the Flash. He and his wife finally had twins and they decided to retire to an alternate reality, passing the Flash colors down to Bart Allen, Barry's grandson.
His retirement was short-lived, but his comic was cancelled and he was relegated to guest appearances (he did have two super-powered brats to try and raise now).
In summation, Wally was the Flash for over twenty years. He joined the JLA when the 'big seven' took over the title again alongside his contemporary, Kyle Rayner. He had a starring role in the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited animated shows (still the best DC cartoons ever), and was favored over his dead uncle as the Flash in many fans' eyes.
Wally was my Flash. He was my generation's Flash in that he's been the Flash to us longer than Barry.
During the recent Final Crisis and Flash:Rebirth, they resurrected Barry Allen. The latter was well-received and entertaining as all hell, featuring almost every speedster and incarnation of the Flash, from the Justice Society's Jay Garrick (ya know, the guy with the goofy helmet), to Wally (who received snazzy new Flash togs), to Bart Allen, former Impulse and Flash and current Kid Flash. It looked like good things were ahead for Wally, even with two super-powered brats. I figured Mr. Johns would give Wally something to do and keep him around, as he had done with Kyle.
But I was wrong. Besides showing up in Rebirth and Blackest Night, Wally hasn't been seen. Now I realize he'll probably turn up in the pending Flash crossover, Flashpoint, but that's like a consolation prize to this Wally West fan. Where the fuck has he been and what the fuck has he been doing when not involved in DC's giant crossovers? I get that he has kids now, but let's ask Bruce Wayne if having Damien around has slowed down his crimefighting and starring in three or four titles a month.
Just because editorial lets you bring back your favorite iteration of a character doesn't mean you have to shit on the ones who've carried the torch in their absence, or forget about them almost entirely. There's plenty of room for three Flashes, if two Batmen and thousands of Green Lanterns are any indication. In fact, Wally would fit in nicely among the other former Titans in the current League lineup. Hell, his best friend is now Batman! Don't you think he might have dropped by Wayne Tower to chat with Dick about the burden of carrying on a mantle? Wouldn't it have been cool, when Dick was having his doubts about being Bats in Bruce's absence, to have Wally speed into town and give him a pep talk?
Or does that make too much sense?
So, DC, Dan DiDio, and Geoff Johns: find something to do with the torch-bearers. Don't act like the Silver Age versions are any better than the contemporary out of preference or misplaced nostalgia. The readers invest time and money and emotion into these characters; I get that you don't want to kill them off because it's 'lazy' writing and you're not aiming to piss off their fans, but having them fade away is barely preferable.
DC has a rich history of characters that thrive on the fact that there are legacies and traditions of names, costumes, mantles and powers being passed down. In an age where one Wolverine is allowed to star in half a dozen titles, DC is unique in that they can have several different characters of the same name and give them plenty to do. There's very little excuse for having them go unused until you need them for your next big event just to remind us they're still around.
Wally carried on the Flash legacy for two decades and made his uncle proud. He became the Flash to a lot of us growing up in the eighties and nineties. And while the Silver Age fever currently running rampant at DC is understandable for a disgraced and mishandled character like Hal, Wally doesn't deserve to go away now that Saint Barry (also referred to across the internet as "Boring Allen") has returned.
Uncle Barry may have died saving all possible worlds ages ago, but how many times has Wally saved the world since? He deserves better, DC. At the very least, he deserves something to fucking do between your mega-crossovers.
-Swift
Sunday, February 6, 2011
What Happened To Wolverine?
Wolverine used to be the coolest, most badass and mysterious character this side of Boba Fett before the Prequels. But something, somewhere, went horribly wrong. Gone is the beer-drinking, stogie-chewing psychopath who read nudie magazines while all the other X-men were trying to keep a low profile in a drug store. Gone is the Wolverine who didn't take orders from a bald cripple, let alone his ass-kissing, four-eyed team leader. This guy is a pale shadow of his Former Self.
Admittedly, I'm not as much of a Marvel guy as I used to be, but I follow certain things and check up on what's going on at the former House Of Ideas just to keep the certification current on my dork credentials: Bucky has been brought back to life (in admittedly cool fashion) and is currently Captain America. Spider-man is no longer married to Mary Jane Watson. Tony Stark has become a huge dick and went "Mutant Registration Act" on the whole Marvel Universe. Some of these things are good; more often than not, like the continued kiddie-fying and pussification of our man Logan, they are very, very, bad.
Thanks to Joe "I swallowed Stan Lee's soul and shit it out in a big turd on Jack Kirby's grave" Quesada, there is a smoking ban in Marvel Comics. None of their characters are allowed to smoke (not even the Nazis!). But it started to go wrong before that. If I remember correctly, he quit the cigars when Magneto ripped out his Adamantium skeleton during one of the hologram-cover events that were so popular during the nineties. I suppose on some level I understand why they don't want their characters smoking; I assume, although I don't know for sure, that DC has a similar editorial mandate. The smoking thing is just a sign of the times.
What is not a sign of the times is the way he's been treated in the media over the last few decades.
I realized how domesticated they've made him just recently. My fantastic girlfriend has a four-year-old and she's just started introducing him to dorky staples such as Ghostbusters and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. This past weekend, she put on a DVD for him that had several episodes of Marvel's latest animated endeavor, The Superhero Squad Show. Now, I'm all for the characters of my childhood being re-worked, re-imagined and simplified (to a point) for a new generation. This is why I don't hate on new iterations of Transformers, G.I.Joe, etcetera even though it might not appeal to me.
But this Superhero Squad nonsense? It's pretty bad. It's purposely aimed toward children, and I get that. But I see a three-fingered, butterknife-clawed, super-deformed iteration of Wolverine running around alongside cutesy-fied versions of Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man and I feel, in Wolvie's case, that this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
So where did it start to go wrong?
It started right before our (my generation's) eyes with over-exposure. It began way before that, perhaps, when he was given his own monthly title, but he was still an X-man. Okay, fine. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Iron Man, Thor and Captain America all have their own monthly books while still co-starring in Justice League and the Avengers, respectively.
But Wolverine is, to my knowledge, currently a member of the New Avengers, the X-men, X-Force, and still has strong ties to SHIELD. How does the furry little runt have time for all that? Then there's the numerous guest appearances and mini-series as well as several self-titled books (and yes, I'm counting his son, Daken's title, Dark Wolverine, where Logan is a recurring character).
Now, I understand why Wolverine appeals to kids. He's got fucking knives that pop out at will from the backs of his hands! How fucking cool would that be? He's a tough guy, he's mysterious.
Or at least he used to be. Thanks to recent storylines, he now remembers all of his murky, violent past. It's had the same effect on him that the Star Wars prequels had on Darth Vader and Boba Fett: nobody wants to see the cool mysterious badasses as whiny little kids. And while Origin, the story that laid out Wolverine's story from birth up until the time he lost his first love (at his own hands, er, claws, no less) and repressed the traumatic memories, was fairly entertaining and handled carefully, I feel as if taking the mystery away from the character also takes away the character's edge.
Continuing that line of thought: why did they start pairing him with increasingly annoying teenagers? Kitty "Shadowcat" Pryde was the first, of course, but that was when Wolverine was merely a member of the X-men and not the unofficial star. Then came Jubilee, the annoying, yellow-raincoat-wearing, bubble-gum popping character with the incredibly useless power of being able to annoy the shit out of her foes with harmless fireworks. Briefly he was paired with Cannonball, the former New Mutant whose ass and legs disappear into an explosion that propels him skyward.
This trend has continued into the three X-men movies, where Hugh Jackman was paired with Anna Paquin's Rogue. It continued into the X-men: Evolution cartoon where Logan was the elder on a team of de-aged X-men who were still in high school. Even in Grant Morrison's New X-men he was stuck with a foul-mouth insect-winged hispanic girl named Angel. It's almost as if Marvel wants Wolverine to be kid-friendly by pairing him with younger characters as a Point of Reference for the kiddies. And say what you want about the lackluster big screen Wolverine movie, but they had the decency to keep the young sidekicks out of it (unless you count the pretty boy Twilight reject they had playing "Gambit." I don't).
So what can be done about it? Nothing, really. I for one steer clear of most X-men fare these days, especially since things with Marvel's Merry Mutants have gotten so murky (I understand they've spent the last few months battling vampires. Really, Marvel? No wonder you don't call yourself "The House of Ideas" anymore).
I just feel it's a shame that a character who used to be the epitome of badass in comics has been toned down in so many other forms of media (let alone his own funnybooks), not to mention watered down by imitators and rip-offs, many of whom are from his own company (I'm looking at you, Wild Child, Sabretooth and X-23)!
It could be argued that Marvel is just after its own bottom line; that they are simply capitalizing on a popular character to make as much money as possible off him. But time was that Logan would black out into a Berserker Rage and kill friend and foe alike! This was a man who has killed at least three of the women he loved! He is a tragic, complicated character who was great because you didn't know a lot about him. Even he didn't know all of his own past!
When he was created and first showed up in the pages of X-men, he was a very different character. He was a loose cannon, a loner, a guy you didn't want to fuck with and were glad to have on your side. In a time when the terms "grim and gritty" and "anti-hero" weren't overused, Wolverine was revolutionary. He was fresh in that his morals and restraint weren't as rigidly structured or laid out as say, Batman or Spider-man. And alongside established, tamer characters such as that, Logan was unique.
But now he's just another cash cow for Marvel, as much a character franchise as Batman or Iron Man or any other traditional superhero, the only small difference being that he's willing to implicitly kill, but only in the comics.
So, as I lament the character's fall into mediocrity, I will leave on an uncharacteristic note of hope: director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem For a Dream, The Wrestler, The Black Swan) is currently working on a pseudo-sequel to the abysmal X-men Origins: Wolverine. Simply titled "The Wolverine," Hugh Jackman has stated he loves the script and that it's heavily influenced by the original Chris Claremont and Frank Miller Wolverine mini-series set in Japan.
A few suggestions for Mister Aronofsky: Turn up the violence, keep Joe Quesada and Avi Arad at arm's length (and off your set) and give fans like me the Wolverine we've been waiting decades to see on the big screen. Give us a Wolverine who really is the best there is at what he does, with extra emphasis on what he does not being very nice.
-Swift
Admittedly, I'm not as much of a Marvel guy as I used to be, but I follow certain things and check up on what's going on at the former House Of Ideas just to keep the certification current on my dork credentials: Bucky has been brought back to life (in admittedly cool fashion) and is currently Captain America. Spider-man is no longer married to Mary Jane Watson. Tony Stark has become a huge dick and went "Mutant Registration Act" on the whole Marvel Universe. Some of these things are good; more often than not, like the continued kiddie-fying and pussification of our man Logan, they are very, very, bad.
Thanks to Joe "I swallowed Stan Lee's soul and shit it out in a big turd on Jack Kirby's grave" Quesada, there is a smoking ban in Marvel Comics. None of their characters are allowed to smoke (not even the Nazis!). But it started to go wrong before that. If I remember correctly, he quit the cigars when Magneto ripped out his Adamantium skeleton during one of the hologram-cover events that were so popular during the nineties. I suppose on some level I understand why they don't want their characters smoking; I assume, although I don't know for sure, that DC has a similar editorial mandate. The smoking thing is just a sign of the times.
What is not a sign of the times is the way he's been treated in the media over the last few decades.
I realized how domesticated they've made him just recently. My fantastic girlfriend has a four-year-old and she's just started introducing him to dorky staples such as Ghostbusters and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. This past weekend, she put on a DVD for him that had several episodes of Marvel's latest animated endeavor, The Superhero Squad Show. Now, I'm all for the characters of my childhood being re-worked, re-imagined and simplified (to a point) for a new generation. This is why I don't hate on new iterations of Transformers, G.I.Joe, etcetera even though it might not appeal to me.
But this Superhero Squad nonsense? It's pretty bad. It's purposely aimed toward children, and I get that. But I see a three-fingered, butterknife-clawed, super-deformed iteration of Wolverine running around alongside cutesy-fied versions of Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man and I feel, in Wolvie's case, that this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
So where did it start to go wrong?
It started right before our (my generation's) eyes with over-exposure. It began way before that, perhaps, when he was given his own monthly title, but he was still an X-man. Okay, fine. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Iron Man, Thor and Captain America all have their own monthly books while still co-starring in Justice League and the Avengers, respectively.
But Wolverine is, to my knowledge, currently a member of the New Avengers, the X-men, X-Force, and still has strong ties to SHIELD. How does the furry little runt have time for all that? Then there's the numerous guest appearances and mini-series as well as several self-titled books (and yes, I'm counting his son, Daken's title, Dark Wolverine, where Logan is a recurring character).
Now, I understand why Wolverine appeals to kids. He's got fucking knives that pop out at will from the backs of his hands! How fucking cool would that be? He's a tough guy, he's mysterious.
Or at least he used to be. Thanks to recent storylines, he now remembers all of his murky, violent past. It's had the same effect on him that the Star Wars prequels had on Darth Vader and Boba Fett: nobody wants to see the cool mysterious badasses as whiny little kids. And while Origin, the story that laid out Wolverine's story from birth up until the time he lost his first love (at his own hands, er, claws, no less) and repressed the traumatic memories, was fairly entertaining and handled carefully, I feel as if taking the mystery away from the character also takes away the character's edge.
Continuing that line of thought: why did they start pairing him with increasingly annoying teenagers? Kitty "Shadowcat" Pryde was the first, of course, but that was when Wolverine was merely a member of the X-men and not the unofficial star. Then came Jubilee, the annoying, yellow-raincoat-wearing, bubble-gum popping character with the incredibly useless power of being able to annoy the shit out of her foes with harmless fireworks. Briefly he was paired with Cannonball, the former New Mutant whose ass and legs disappear into an explosion that propels him skyward.
This trend has continued into the three X-men movies, where Hugh Jackman was paired with Anna Paquin's Rogue. It continued into the X-men: Evolution cartoon where Logan was the elder on a team of de-aged X-men who were still in high school. Even in Grant Morrison's New X-men he was stuck with a foul-mouth insect-winged hispanic girl named Angel. It's almost as if Marvel wants Wolverine to be kid-friendly by pairing him with younger characters as a Point of Reference for the kiddies. And say what you want about the lackluster big screen Wolverine movie, but they had the decency to keep the young sidekicks out of it (unless you count the pretty boy Twilight reject they had playing "Gambit." I don't).
So what can be done about it? Nothing, really. I for one steer clear of most X-men fare these days, especially since things with Marvel's Merry Mutants have gotten so murky (I understand they've spent the last few months battling vampires. Really, Marvel? No wonder you don't call yourself "The House of Ideas" anymore).
I just feel it's a shame that a character who used to be the epitome of badass in comics has been toned down in so many other forms of media (let alone his own funnybooks), not to mention watered down by imitators and rip-offs, many of whom are from his own company (I'm looking at you, Wild Child, Sabretooth and X-23)!
It could be argued that Marvel is just after its own bottom line; that they are simply capitalizing on a popular character to make as much money as possible off him. But time was that Logan would black out into a Berserker Rage and kill friend and foe alike! This was a man who has killed at least three of the women he loved! He is a tragic, complicated character who was great because you didn't know a lot about him. Even he didn't know all of his own past!
When he was created and first showed up in the pages of X-men, he was a very different character. He was a loose cannon, a loner, a guy you didn't want to fuck with and were glad to have on your side. In a time when the terms "grim and gritty" and "anti-hero" weren't overused, Wolverine was revolutionary. He was fresh in that his morals and restraint weren't as rigidly structured or laid out as say, Batman or Spider-man. And alongside established, tamer characters such as that, Logan was unique.
But now he's just another cash cow for Marvel, as much a character franchise as Batman or Iron Man or any other traditional superhero, the only small difference being that he's willing to implicitly kill, but only in the comics.
So, as I lament the character's fall into mediocrity, I will leave on an uncharacteristic note of hope: director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem For a Dream, The Wrestler, The Black Swan) is currently working on a pseudo-sequel to the abysmal X-men Origins: Wolverine. Simply titled "The Wolverine," Hugh Jackman has stated he loves the script and that it's heavily influenced by the original Chris Claremont and Frank Miller Wolverine mini-series set in Japan.
A few suggestions for Mister Aronofsky: Turn up the violence, keep Joe Quesada and Avi Arad at arm's length (and off your set) and give fans like me the Wolverine we've been waiting decades to see on the big screen. Give us a Wolverine who really is the best there is at what he does, with extra emphasis on what he does not being very nice.
-Swift
Friday, February 4, 2011
Don't Be An Asshole: A Public Service Announcement To Tattoo And Piercing Customers
Being in the unique position of 'the outsider looking in' on the Body Mod industry, and not having to worry about alienating clientele, there are a few things that I've witnessed while hanging around my favorite shop that I feel should be addressed. I'm sure there are some of you who have tattoos that may even be ignorant to certain questions, comments and assumptions you have made, but I'm going to lay it out for you and I'm not going to be nice about it. Here we go.
1. These people are professionals and they know better than you.
So you might have an idea, an image to work off of, or a picture of a piece in your brain that you think needs to be exactly the way you think it is. You might want something extremely complicated. Your artist will make suggestions; you might feel apprehensive and uncertain that it will come out the way you want it because you had your heart set on it looking just the way you drew or your friend drew it or like the image you printed off your Google search.
Guess what? You don't know what makes a good tattoo. I've been getting tattooed for the better part of the last eight years, and even I am still not sure what makes a good, clean-looking tattoo. The artists know what is going to look good and what will have the best presentation, the best staying power on your skin. If an artist says something is too small, hear them out and consider making it bigger. If they say certain details will be lost, that your image is too cluttered, let them change it up a little bit to make it clearer. This includes taking your complexion into consideration; if you're darker, be realistic and don't expect a brightly-colored piece of work. It's not going to show up very well.
On the flip side, don't go in for a piercing and say, "I want this done but I want this flashy piece of jewelry you have in your case right here." Hold up. When you get a piercing, for the most part, you can't just shove whatever piece of jewelry in there that you want right off the bat. You commonly start with surgical stainless steel that has properly sterilized, give it time to heal, and then have your piercer put that goofy dangly bullshit in your navel that says "jizz dumpster" or whatever. You might think you know what looks good and that a labret stub would go great in your eyebrow; you're wrong. Professional piercers work hard to perfect their craft and know what kind of jewelry is supposed to go where. Don't pretend you know otherwise.
2. Stop shopping around for a price. They hate that.
And I do, too. Countless times I've seen people walk in and say, "how much do you charge for (insert tattoo/piercing here)?" I'm going to paraphrase the relevant Sailor Jerry quote and say that cheap work is almost always shitty work. If you want a gigantic back piece or a full sleeve, be fucking realistic and realize it's going to cost more than you thought.
It's one thing for tattoos if you have an image ready and a size in mind; if you have either of those things, then they'll usually accomodate you and give you an estimate. It's entirely another thing to have no idea what kind of script you want your deceased relative's name to be in and have no clue how big you want it. They need a point of reference in order to tell you how much they'll charge. At least have an idea what size you want it and whether or not you want black and grey or color before charging in to ask how much they want.
Back to the 'shopping around' thing: If you want a tattoo or piercing, price should be no object. Now, I realize there are shops out there that jack up their prices and gouge the customer a little bit (maybe more than a little) because they might have a reputation or more name recognition than the budding studio down the street. But here's the thing: you want quality work, yes? Then look at portfolios and see what the artists or piercers have done before asking for a price and letting just any asshole with a tattoo machine or a piercing needle quote you a price and do your work. If you want a certain style, say, a portrait, then see if they've done portraits. Some places will be courteous enough to steer you in the direction of an artist who specializes in the style you're looking for.
If you wanna be a cheapskate, it's going to show in the work you receive. If you don't have a lot of money for the piece you want and don't give a shit what it's going to look like, you shouldn't be getting work done in the first place, let alone getting these people's hopes up for your business. If you really don't care then go to the back of the nail salon and see the fucking Scratcher with a guitar string hooked up to a car battery and stop wasting the professionals' time.
Again: take into account the artist/piercer's input. If they have suggestions, take them under advisement. Almost every piece of work I have has been tweaked by my artist/piercer, and for the better, whether it be sizing, coloring, placement, composition or type of jewelry.
3. Think!
Now, some people won't agree with me on this, (wait- this is my blog, so fuck you!) but here is my one rule for getting names tattooed on you:
Don't tattoo your significant other's name on you. I don't fucking care that you think you've found the love of your life or even if you're married. My friend and artist Pistol Pete once had a guy come in: "I screwed up real bad this weekend with my girlfriend and wanna make it up to her by gettin' her name tattooed on me real big."
Pete's reply was honest, brief, and to the point: "Well, dude, I do a lot of names, but I also do a lot of cover-ups."
One of my friends in college had a unique way of looking at it. When his girlfriend said they should get their names tattooed on one another; he told her no. Not because he didn't love her; he explained that there was no telling what could happen between them, but if they had children, he was willing to get the kids' names tattooed. He reasoned that the kids' names were okay, because they would always, no matter what, be his children. A partner or spouse's name is different and a risky, because you have no fucking clue what could happen between the two of you down the road, do you?
So. Children, parents, grandparents, good friends who pass away? That's acceptable. That makes sense. Significant others' names being tattooed is simply tempting Fate. If you truly feel that strongly for someone and still want a tattoo for them, be creative. Get an image that represents your love, perhaps, as opposed to something as obvious and potentially regretable as their name. But I feel even that is ill-advised.
Think about the permanency of any Body Modification before getting a tattoo or piercing!
Teenagers are especially guilty of this. With every day that passes I see more and more kids, still in their teens, with tattoos that can cost them a potential job. There was a fucking seventeen-year-old in the library with a teardrop tattooed on his face! Seventeen! What kind of future do you think he has?
Now, I realize the societal stigma of having tattoos is slowly loosening up. I get that. Some places (like my job) that have any sort of union don't have anything in their dress code about tattoos. I've certainly benefited from this fact, but I made sure my ass was covered before covering anything else. But what if you don't have a union? What if you work for a private employer?
I hate to say it, but an owner of a private business can decide what type of people they want to hire, and if you get heavily tattooed before you have a career, you face the possibility of being frowned upon and turned away from job opportunities. Just think about how difficult you want to make life on yourself.
Piercings are a somewhat different story. They're semi-permanent in that they leave scars if you take them out. Some aren't noticeable, but if you're going to go into a career--say, in Healthcare--and you know you won't be able to have them, realize that you will have tiny divets where they were. Think about it before you get pierced and weigh that against whatever decision you make. Sure, they're small and unobtrusive, but some people can get bent out of shape over a couple blemishes and you should recognize whether you are one of those people or not before getting your lips pierced.
Plus, tattoos and piercings hurt. In the case of tattoos, it hurts more to have them removed. Don't make rash decisions when it comes to this. Think it over for quite some time first.
4. Be polite and have some fucking respect.
Tattoo shops are private businesses. They can refuse service if you're an asshole to them. Don't come in and act the prick, all right? Be courteous. Be patient, especially if your artist has gone through several designs because they're trying to get it just the way you want it. Recognize the time and trouble that go into any tattoo's creation and appreciate their effort.
Don't complain about how expensive it is if they price something out for you. Don't come in fresh from the bar, drunk and obnoxious; they will turn you away, and rightfully so (and if you do come in drunk, insistent and flashing money around, don't complain if they tattoo you anyway and it turns out shitty because you bleed more and it scabs horribly). Just don't come in reeking of booze or pot or the fact that you decided to get tattooed after not showering for a week. These people have to get up close and personal, so be mindful of that. Make the experience as pleasant as possible, because that's what the artists and piercers will try to do for you in the hopes that they will have a repeat customer.
Also, don't assume you get the hookup because you know someone who went there. It's not cool. It makes your friend or acquaintance look like an asshole just for knowing your assumption-making ass. If the artist is willing to work with you on price, you damn well better give them a good tip, which brings us to...
5. "Tipping is not a city in China."
Tip these people! It is a service, like having your hair done, like having food or appliances or furniture delivered. A lot of these folks work on a commision or a percentage of the work they do. If you have an artist draw something up for you several times, think about that when you go to pay them and tip accordingly. Show them that you appreciate their work and they will remember you for it, appreciate it and welcome your returning patronage.
Tattoos and piercings are a great form of expressing yourself. It's freeing and exciting to have good work done that gets you noticed and even complimented, but it's not instantaneous and it's not magic. It's a process, a collaboration between artist/piercer and client. I'm very fortunate to be in the position I'm in with my tattoos and piercings, and I never, ever forget that. Be polite, be respectful, think about what you want for a good long time, pay what they ask, and tip your people well. They'll appreciate it.
-Swift
1. These people are professionals and they know better than you.
So you might have an idea, an image to work off of, or a picture of a piece in your brain that you think needs to be exactly the way you think it is. You might want something extremely complicated. Your artist will make suggestions; you might feel apprehensive and uncertain that it will come out the way you want it because you had your heart set on it looking just the way you drew or your friend drew it or like the image you printed off your Google search.
Guess what? You don't know what makes a good tattoo. I've been getting tattooed for the better part of the last eight years, and even I am still not sure what makes a good, clean-looking tattoo. The artists know what is going to look good and what will have the best presentation, the best staying power on your skin. If an artist says something is too small, hear them out and consider making it bigger. If they say certain details will be lost, that your image is too cluttered, let them change it up a little bit to make it clearer. This includes taking your complexion into consideration; if you're darker, be realistic and don't expect a brightly-colored piece of work. It's not going to show up very well.
On the flip side, don't go in for a piercing and say, "I want this done but I want this flashy piece of jewelry you have in your case right here." Hold up. When you get a piercing, for the most part, you can't just shove whatever piece of jewelry in there that you want right off the bat. You commonly start with surgical stainless steel that has properly sterilized, give it time to heal, and then have your piercer put that goofy dangly bullshit in your navel that says "jizz dumpster" or whatever. You might think you know what looks good and that a labret stub would go great in your eyebrow; you're wrong. Professional piercers work hard to perfect their craft and know what kind of jewelry is supposed to go where. Don't pretend you know otherwise.
2. Stop shopping around for a price. They hate that.
And I do, too. Countless times I've seen people walk in and say, "how much do you charge for (insert tattoo/piercing here)?" I'm going to paraphrase the relevant Sailor Jerry quote and say that cheap work is almost always shitty work. If you want a gigantic back piece or a full sleeve, be fucking realistic and realize it's going to cost more than you thought.
It's one thing for tattoos if you have an image ready and a size in mind; if you have either of those things, then they'll usually accomodate you and give you an estimate. It's entirely another thing to have no idea what kind of script you want your deceased relative's name to be in and have no clue how big you want it. They need a point of reference in order to tell you how much they'll charge. At least have an idea what size you want it and whether or not you want black and grey or color before charging in to ask how much they want.
Back to the 'shopping around' thing: If you want a tattoo or piercing, price should be no object. Now, I realize there are shops out there that jack up their prices and gouge the customer a little bit (maybe more than a little) because they might have a reputation or more name recognition than the budding studio down the street. But here's the thing: you want quality work, yes? Then look at portfolios and see what the artists or piercers have done before asking for a price and letting just any asshole with a tattoo machine or a piercing needle quote you a price and do your work. If you want a certain style, say, a portrait, then see if they've done portraits. Some places will be courteous enough to steer you in the direction of an artist who specializes in the style you're looking for.
If you wanna be a cheapskate, it's going to show in the work you receive. If you don't have a lot of money for the piece you want and don't give a shit what it's going to look like, you shouldn't be getting work done in the first place, let alone getting these people's hopes up for your business. If you really don't care then go to the back of the nail salon and see the fucking Scratcher with a guitar string hooked up to a car battery and stop wasting the professionals' time.
Again: take into account the artist/piercer's input. If they have suggestions, take them under advisement. Almost every piece of work I have has been tweaked by my artist/piercer, and for the better, whether it be sizing, coloring, placement, composition or type of jewelry.
3. Think!
Now, some people won't agree with me on this, (wait- this is my blog, so fuck you!) but here is my one rule for getting names tattooed on you:
Don't tattoo your significant other's name on you. I don't fucking care that you think you've found the love of your life or even if you're married. My friend and artist Pistol Pete once had a guy come in: "I screwed up real bad this weekend with my girlfriend and wanna make it up to her by gettin' her name tattooed on me real big."
Pete's reply was honest, brief, and to the point: "Well, dude, I do a lot of names, but I also do a lot of cover-ups."
One of my friends in college had a unique way of looking at it. When his girlfriend said they should get their names tattooed on one another; he told her no. Not because he didn't love her; he explained that there was no telling what could happen between them, but if they had children, he was willing to get the kids' names tattooed. He reasoned that the kids' names were okay, because they would always, no matter what, be his children. A partner or spouse's name is different and a risky, because you have no fucking clue what could happen between the two of you down the road, do you?
So. Children, parents, grandparents, good friends who pass away? That's acceptable. That makes sense. Significant others' names being tattooed is simply tempting Fate. If you truly feel that strongly for someone and still want a tattoo for them, be creative. Get an image that represents your love, perhaps, as opposed to something as obvious and potentially regretable as their name. But I feel even that is ill-advised.
Think about the permanency of any Body Modification before getting a tattoo or piercing!
Teenagers are especially guilty of this. With every day that passes I see more and more kids, still in their teens, with tattoos that can cost them a potential job. There was a fucking seventeen-year-old in the library with a teardrop tattooed on his face! Seventeen! What kind of future do you think he has?
Now, I realize the societal stigma of having tattoos is slowly loosening up. I get that. Some places (like my job) that have any sort of union don't have anything in their dress code about tattoos. I've certainly benefited from this fact, but I made sure my ass was covered before covering anything else. But what if you don't have a union? What if you work for a private employer?
I hate to say it, but an owner of a private business can decide what type of people they want to hire, and if you get heavily tattooed before you have a career, you face the possibility of being frowned upon and turned away from job opportunities. Just think about how difficult you want to make life on yourself.
Piercings are a somewhat different story. They're semi-permanent in that they leave scars if you take them out. Some aren't noticeable, but if you're going to go into a career--say, in Healthcare--and you know you won't be able to have them, realize that you will have tiny divets where they were. Think about it before you get pierced and weigh that against whatever decision you make. Sure, they're small and unobtrusive, but some people can get bent out of shape over a couple blemishes and you should recognize whether you are one of those people or not before getting your lips pierced.
Plus, tattoos and piercings hurt. In the case of tattoos, it hurts more to have them removed. Don't make rash decisions when it comes to this. Think it over for quite some time first.
4. Be polite and have some fucking respect.
Tattoo shops are private businesses. They can refuse service if you're an asshole to them. Don't come in and act the prick, all right? Be courteous. Be patient, especially if your artist has gone through several designs because they're trying to get it just the way you want it. Recognize the time and trouble that go into any tattoo's creation and appreciate their effort.
Don't complain about how expensive it is if they price something out for you. Don't come in fresh from the bar, drunk and obnoxious; they will turn you away, and rightfully so (and if you do come in drunk, insistent and flashing money around, don't complain if they tattoo you anyway and it turns out shitty because you bleed more and it scabs horribly). Just don't come in reeking of booze or pot or the fact that you decided to get tattooed after not showering for a week. These people have to get up close and personal, so be mindful of that. Make the experience as pleasant as possible, because that's what the artists and piercers will try to do for you in the hopes that they will have a repeat customer.
Also, don't assume you get the hookup because you know someone who went there. It's not cool. It makes your friend or acquaintance look like an asshole just for knowing your assumption-making ass. If the artist is willing to work with you on price, you damn well better give them a good tip, which brings us to...
5. "Tipping is not a city in China."
Tip these people! It is a service, like having your hair done, like having food or appliances or furniture delivered. A lot of these folks work on a commision or a percentage of the work they do. If you have an artist draw something up for you several times, think about that when you go to pay them and tip accordingly. Show them that you appreciate their work and they will remember you for it, appreciate it and welcome your returning patronage.
Tattoos and piercings are a great form of expressing yourself. It's freeing and exciting to have good work done that gets you noticed and even complimented, but it's not instantaneous and it's not magic. It's a process, a collaboration between artist/piercer and client. I'm very fortunate to be in the position I'm in with my tattoos and piercings, and I never, ever forget that. Be polite, be respectful, think about what you want for a good long time, pay what they ask, and tip your people well. They'll appreciate it.
-Swift
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Why It's Fucking Awesome That Dick Grayson Is Batman
This is hardly a new development in the Comic Book Community, but I feel as though some of you out there with a cursory knowledge of what's been going on with Batman comics over the last few years may have baulked at the former Boy Wonder stepping into Bruce's big shoes and donning the cape and cowl. Yes, it was a little strange and jarring that Bruce was 'killed' by cosmic badass Darkseid (perhaps another time we can get into the whole 'Batman would never use a gun even to fatally wound a god who had the universe by the balls' debate) and lost in time, but I digress. This is about how changes in comics' status quo are all too rare, very often temporary, and when not in the name of self-serving, sale-boosting publicity, aren't usually a good fit.
But this is different. It feels right. Which brings us to my first point...
1. He's Earned It.
This is a guy who ran around in pixie boots and short pants for forty-plus years. To top that, he had to live in the shadow of arguably the coolest, most recognizeable superhero this side of the Last Son of Krypton. Only when Dick hung around with the Teen Titans in the eighties did he shed the red, green and yellow circus outfit. And for what? A two-tone blue costume with yellow piping and a fucking disco collar. (see here.) He became his own man as Nightwing, and while the break from his partnership with the Dark Knight was appropriate and refreshing, he had to suffer through several (mediocre) costume changes, being shoehorned into the 'modern' look of having a ponytail in the nineties, and shunted aside when Bruce broke his back and chose that crazy guy to replace him while he went through rehab.
So who better to take up the cowl than the first person who was trained by Bruce? He was trained by the best in the world. Bruce is a guy who hangs out with Superman, Wonder Woman and the Justice League because they need him. These guys have all the power in the world, yet a mere mortal like Batman stands shoulder-to-shoulder with them because he's a brilliant strategist who can tell them how to effectively use their power to stop whatever threat they're facing.
And all of this rubbed off on young Mr. Grayson. He led the Titans and the Outsiders and was Bruce's choice to lead the Justice League when they were all lost in Ancient Atlantis (oh, time travel. You never stop giving writers ideas, do you?).
So it's natural that Dick has taken up the cowl, and more importantly, it's long overdue and well-deserved. While he's not as driven or obsessed as Bruce, his dedication to crime fighting is without question, which brings me to my next point.
2. Dick is not, well, a dick.
While Bruce is obsessed with continuing his War On Crime to the point that he often alienates his super-powered allies and has nearly gotten them killed through plans that he devised (on more than one occasion, mind you), Dick is a slightly different animal. While he uses the deductive and strategic thinking skills instilled in him by Bruce, his commitment to crimefighting and his standing among the caped community don't border on paranoia. He has great friends among the tights-and-capes crowd from his days growing up with the Teen Titans; he's respected in the community. Not only do the super-people recognize that he was trained and raised by Bats, they probably give him a shit-ton of credit for putting up with Bruce's obsession for so long. The difference here is that Bruce needs to be Batman. And yes, while Bruce's disappearance necessitated that he take up the mantle of the Bat, now that he's back he recognizes that Dick was fucking Tits McGrits in his absence and asks that he carry on being Gotham's Batman while he globe-trots to franchise the Batman brand. Dick is humbler, he has his doubts, and while he's not necessarily happy-go-lucky, he's a lighter, more grounded Batman. And he makes a great role model for the current Robin. Speaking of which...
3. Damien Wayne is Grayson's Robin.
Now, excuse the exposition, but here's the Cliff''s Notes on Bruce's bastard child: Damien is the product of a one-night stand between Bruce and Talia Al Ghul, also known as Ra's Al Ghul's daughter, the spawn of one of the few Batman adversaries who is a physical and intellectual match for Bruce. Damien was kept hidden from Bruce and raised by his grand-daddy and his League of Assassins to be a murderous, arrogant little shit. After meeting his father and finding that he was as awesome as he heard, Damien began to calm down a little bit and cotton to Bruce's thinking to the point where he got it into his head that he should be groomed to be Batman when his father finally kicked the bucket.
Damien was a very annoying character at first. He killed, he ran his mouth and got into fights with the third Robin, Tim Drake. But after Bruce's 'death' it seemed to humble the little shit. Dick recognized this and asked Damien to replace Tim as Robin, mostly to keep an eye on him and guide him to be the kind of person that Bruce might have wanted. While Drake resented the choice, Dick explained that he viewed Tim as his equal, not as a sidekick and not someone who needed further guidance (see? Humble.).
While Damien still has the tendency to mouth off and use excessive force on his foes, his time as Robin has changed him, and in my opinion, makes him the most fascinating character to come along in the Bat-mythos in decades. The new partnership gives new meaning to the word 'dynamic' in the Dynamic Duo and makes for damn entertaining funnybooks with a more good-humored Batman and a darker, more driven Robin with something to prove.
Plus, Damien's intellect and drive lead to my fourth point.
4. Dick enjoys playing with Those Wonderful Toys.
Damien's genius was able to work out the logistics of Bruce's flying fucking batmobile, which had eluded even dear Dark Knight daddy's brilliance. So as if the criminals of Gotham didn't already shit their pants at the mere mention of Batman, now they have to worry about getting their asses handed to them from above at any time by a new Batman and a Robin who won't hesitate to maim you while he smiles about it. Not that Bruce was ever afraid to use his fortune to create and utilize technology to be a more effective ass-kicker, but Dick revels in its use and actually, I don't know, has fun playing with the toys. It's nice to read a Batman comic where someone other than an outside observer or civilian comments on just how fucking cool being Batman and having all the gadgets is. Rarely if ever does Bruce smile about how cool it is to have all the toys, gadgets, vehicles and other assorted bat-nonsense, and I enjoy the hell out of Dick having a sort of childlike awe over how much cool shit he has access to.
5. More than one Batman makes sense.
In a universe that has three guys running around with the Flash name (I intend to discuss that at some point), seven thousand, two hundred assorted aliens with Green Lantern rings (no less than five with the name that call Earth home), and at least three Kryptonians, it's a bit of a stretch to say that one Batman can deal with Gotham's troubles, hang out with the Justice League, Outsiders, and his network of countless other associates (for a loner, Bruce has a list of Gotham-based allies as long as your arm!), all while having at least half a dozen titles on the shelves every month of which Batman is the star. What's not a stretch is that with Bruce's return, he's handed the keys of Gotham over to his former protege and his bastard son while he does his own thing across the world. Shit going down in Gotham? Covered. Need an analytical mind to tell the Big Guns where to hit hard on whatever end-of-the-world bullshit is going down with the League while Batman's busy in Gotham? Oh wait! There's two of them now.
Having more than one Batman not only makes sense but builds on the myth surrounding the character. If we're truly expected to believe that the criminals the world over fear the Bat, then what better way to play on their fears than literally have Batman be two places at once?
6. I want a damn Grayson as Batman action figure.
This one's pretty dorky and personal, but fuck it. As minimal as the differences are in their costumes to casual observers, I dig the slight differences in Dick's Bat-togs that seperate him from his mentor. And then they would also have to release a Damien as Robin to complete the Duo. So anyways... get on that, Mattel.
In conclusion: I like Dick as Batman. I like it more that they're keeping him as Batman even though Bruce is back from being 'dead' or whatever. In a media format where no one stays dead and the Status Quo is almost always maintained (or reset whenever continuity gets murky), I applaud DC for taking a fucking chance and keeping the former Boy Wonder out of the short pants or shoving him aside to be Nightwing again. Grayson is one of the few characters who's been given strong character development, even if it's taken sixty or so years for the payoff. So thanks DC, and thanks to Grant Morrison for being a crazy fucking Scot and actually getting away with moving things forward instead of letting them stagnate. This fan is very pleased.
-Swift
But this is different. It feels right. Which brings us to my first point...
1. He's Earned It.
This is a guy who ran around in pixie boots and short pants for forty-plus years. To top that, he had to live in the shadow of arguably the coolest, most recognizeable superhero this side of the Last Son of Krypton. Only when Dick hung around with the Teen Titans in the eighties did he shed the red, green and yellow circus outfit. And for what? A two-tone blue costume with yellow piping and a fucking disco collar. (see here.) He became his own man as Nightwing, and while the break from his partnership with the Dark Knight was appropriate and refreshing, he had to suffer through several (mediocre) costume changes, being shoehorned into the 'modern' look of having a ponytail in the nineties, and shunted aside when Bruce broke his back and chose that crazy guy to replace him while he went through rehab.
So who better to take up the cowl than the first person who was trained by Bruce? He was trained by the best in the world. Bruce is a guy who hangs out with Superman, Wonder Woman and the Justice League because they need him. These guys have all the power in the world, yet a mere mortal like Batman stands shoulder-to-shoulder with them because he's a brilliant strategist who can tell them how to effectively use their power to stop whatever threat they're facing.
And all of this rubbed off on young Mr. Grayson. He led the Titans and the Outsiders and was Bruce's choice to lead the Justice League when they were all lost in Ancient Atlantis (oh, time travel. You never stop giving writers ideas, do you?).
So it's natural that Dick has taken up the cowl, and more importantly, it's long overdue and well-deserved. While he's not as driven or obsessed as Bruce, his dedication to crime fighting is without question, which brings me to my next point.
2. Dick is not, well, a dick.
While Bruce is obsessed with continuing his War On Crime to the point that he often alienates his super-powered allies and has nearly gotten them killed through plans that he devised (on more than one occasion, mind you), Dick is a slightly different animal. While he uses the deductive and strategic thinking skills instilled in him by Bruce, his commitment to crimefighting and his standing among the caped community don't border on paranoia. He has great friends among the tights-and-capes crowd from his days growing up with the Teen Titans; he's respected in the community. Not only do the super-people recognize that he was trained and raised by Bats, they probably give him a shit-ton of credit for putting up with Bruce's obsession for so long. The difference here is that Bruce needs to be Batman. And yes, while Bruce's disappearance necessitated that he take up the mantle of the Bat, now that he's back he recognizes that Dick was fucking Tits McGrits in his absence and asks that he carry on being Gotham's Batman while he globe-trots to franchise the Batman brand. Dick is humbler, he has his doubts, and while he's not necessarily happy-go-lucky, he's a lighter, more grounded Batman. And he makes a great role model for the current Robin. Speaking of which...
3. Damien Wayne is Grayson's Robin.
Now, excuse the exposition, but here's the Cliff''s Notes on Bruce's bastard child: Damien is the product of a one-night stand between Bruce and Talia Al Ghul, also known as Ra's Al Ghul's daughter, the spawn of one of the few Batman adversaries who is a physical and intellectual match for Bruce. Damien was kept hidden from Bruce and raised by his grand-daddy and his League of Assassins to be a murderous, arrogant little shit. After meeting his father and finding that he was as awesome as he heard, Damien began to calm down a little bit and cotton to Bruce's thinking to the point where he got it into his head that he should be groomed to be Batman when his father finally kicked the bucket.
Damien was a very annoying character at first. He killed, he ran his mouth and got into fights with the third Robin, Tim Drake. But after Bruce's 'death' it seemed to humble the little shit. Dick recognized this and asked Damien to replace Tim as Robin, mostly to keep an eye on him and guide him to be the kind of person that Bruce might have wanted. While Drake resented the choice, Dick explained that he viewed Tim as his equal, not as a sidekick and not someone who needed further guidance (see? Humble.).
While Damien still has the tendency to mouth off and use excessive force on his foes, his time as Robin has changed him, and in my opinion, makes him the most fascinating character to come along in the Bat-mythos in decades. The new partnership gives new meaning to the word 'dynamic' in the Dynamic Duo and makes for damn entertaining funnybooks with a more good-humored Batman and a darker, more driven Robin with something to prove.
Plus, Damien's intellect and drive lead to my fourth point.
4. Dick enjoys playing with Those Wonderful Toys.
Damien's genius was able to work out the logistics of Bruce's flying fucking batmobile, which had eluded even dear Dark Knight daddy's brilliance. So as if the criminals of Gotham didn't already shit their pants at the mere mention of Batman, now they have to worry about getting their asses handed to them from above at any time by a new Batman and a Robin who won't hesitate to maim you while he smiles about it. Not that Bruce was ever afraid to use his fortune to create and utilize technology to be a more effective ass-kicker, but Dick revels in its use and actually, I don't know, has fun playing with the toys. It's nice to read a Batman comic where someone other than an outside observer or civilian comments on just how fucking cool being Batman and having all the gadgets is. Rarely if ever does Bruce smile about how cool it is to have all the toys, gadgets, vehicles and other assorted bat-nonsense, and I enjoy the hell out of Dick having a sort of childlike awe over how much cool shit he has access to.
5. More than one Batman makes sense.
In a universe that has three guys running around with the Flash name (I intend to discuss that at some point), seven thousand, two hundred assorted aliens with Green Lantern rings (no less than five with the name that call Earth home), and at least three Kryptonians, it's a bit of a stretch to say that one Batman can deal with Gotham's troubles, hang out with the Justice League, Outsiders, and his network of countless other associates (for a loner, Bruce has a list of Gotham-based allies as long as your arm!), all while having at least half a dozen titles on the shelves every month of which Batman is the star. What's not a stretch is that with Bruce's return, he's handed the keys of Gotham over to his former protege and his bastard son while he does his own thing across the world. Shit going down in Gotham? Covered. Need an analytical mind to tell the Big Guns where to hit hard on whatever end-of-the-world bullshit is going down with the League while Batman's busy in Gotham? Oh wait! There's two of them now.
Having more than one Batman not only makes sense but builds on the myth surrounding the character. If we're truly expected to believe that the criminals the world over fear the Bat, then what better way to play on their fears than literally have Batman be two places at once?
6. I want a damn Grayson as Batman action figure.
This one's pretty dorky and personal, but fuck it. As minimal as the differences are in their costumes to casual observers, I dig the slight differences in Dick's Bat-togs that seperate him from his mentor. And then they would also have to release a Damien as Robin to complete the Duo. So anyways... get on that, Mattel.
In conclusion: I like Dick as Batman. I like it more that they're keeping him as Batman even though Bruce is back from being 'dead' or whatever. In a media format where no one stays dead and the Status Quo is almost always maintained (or reset whenever continuity gets murky), I applaud DC for taking a fucking chance and keeping the former Boy Wonder out of the short pants or shoving him aside to be Nightwing again. Grayson is one of the few characters who's been given strong character development, even if it's taken sixty or so years for the payoff. So thanks DC, and thanks to Grant Morrison for being a crazy fucking Scot and actually getting away with moving things forward instead of letting them stagnate. This fan is very pleased.
-Swift
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Why A Blog? And Why Did It Take Me This Long?
Welcome to my personal virtual soapbox.
Where to begin?
I suppose first I'll explain why I chose the title "On The Fringe." For the better part of the last eight years, I've been inching my way into the Body Modification industry through my friend Paul Stubbs (currently Master Piercer at Kyklops Tattoo in Pittsburgh, PA) by getting pierced and tattooed and just sort of soaking in the experience of being on the outside looking in on the tattoo/piercing industry. I enjoy tattoos and piercings, respect the work and artistry that goes into them, and have made many, many great friends through these experiences.
When you become as heavily and visibly tattooed as I am, people tend to assume many things. First and foremost among these is that you are Not To Be Fucked With. Secondly, you get asked with some frequency, "Do you do tattoos?" (I don't.) Third, and probably most frequently, you get asked "Did that hurt?" (More on that later.)
So my experiences hanging out at the shop while waiting to get tattooed or just hanging out for shits and giggles give me a unique perspective on things that go on in the industry. I am not one of them (piercer/artist), and yet I am not one of the people who comes in the door to price out a tattoo or piercing, ask ignorant questions, or don't realize it's customary (even obligatory) to tip the people doing your work.
Thus, I am on the fringe of the industry. But this isn't the sole reason I've chosen the title: I don't consider myself very mainstream in my ideals, beliefs, interests or affiliations. This is not a place you'll want to come if you want a rousing cry to action. This is not a sounding board for the latest political happenings or decrying the evils of the world. This isn't a place to go if you're wondering how I feel about sports scores. This is absolutely not a place to go if you're interested in what the average schmuck has to say about Jersey Fucking Shore.
I am an atheist; I am proud to say it and rarely keep it to myself. I don't believe in god (notice I intentionally refrained from capitalizing), Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, Odin, Muhammed or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you believe in anything, good for you. If you have a problem with me not believing, then now might be a good time for you to check out the latest viral craze on YouTube or pray for my blackened, misbegotten soul.
Again, if you believe, good for you. I'm sure you and your imaginary friend have a blast. Believe what you want; one of the few constants in this world that goes flying in its orbit 'round the sun is that people have always believed what they want to believe. So don't disabuse me of my beliefs (or lack thereof) and we won't have a problem.
I am also an anarchist; I don't truly believe that any form of government hasn't steered us wrong at one point or another, and I purposely refrain from participating in the farce that is currently the United States' "democracy," or as I see it, the Illusion of Choice. Yes, we're all doing mighty fine with our frivolous cell phones, rubber bands shaped like bongs and hundreds of different styles of Sports team hats that we just know are official because people refuse to remove the tag or the swanky hologram sticker with the NBA's logo on it. But I'm rarely driven to care by such things.
I am an unrepentant dork. I have been since my Old Man introduced me to Comic Books, Science Fiction and toys that were hundreds of times cooler than anything he had as a kid. I have geek-related tattoos, I still buy action figures (yes, they're dolls, and yes, I'm okay with that), and I still await the latest comics, movies and tv shows that have my favorite characters.
I am a writer and I feel I have a lot to say. I can be belligerant with my opinion; I've been accused of having as much tact as a trackless tank on more than one occasion. I decided a little while back that I should see if anyone gives a shit about my blog that very well may end up being a long series of posts about how I don't really give a shit.
So when it came time to name the thing, my best friend Chris Bailey and I settled on "On The Fringe." On the fringe of Body Mod culture, on the fringe of the mainstream, and on the fringe of not really giving a fuck. As I've stumbled through the years I find more and more that my anger towards Stupid Shit in my life, in the media, and around the world has sort of transformed and waned into a bemused indifference. So while I can't guarantee I'll always have a valid point to make or that I'll make you laugh, I hope that I at least entertain and at most make you think.
It's going to be an interesting ride, kids; always remember that "May you live in interesting times" is actually an Ancient Chinese curse.
You'll hear from me soon.
-Swift
Where to begin?
I suppose first I'll explain why I chose the title "On The Fringe." For the better part of the last eight years, I've been inching my way into the Body Modification industry through my friend Paul Stubbs (currently Master Piercer at Kyklops Tattoo in Pittsburgh, PA) by getting pierced and tattooed and just sort of soaking in the experience of being on the outside looking in on the tattoo/piercing industry. I enjoy tattoos and piercings, respect the work and artistry that goes into them, and have made many, many great friends through these experiences.
When you become as heavily and visibly tattooed as I am, people tend to assume many things. First and foremost among these is that you are Not To Be Fucked With. Secondly, you get asked with some frequency, "Do you do tattoos?" (I don't.) Third, and probably most frequently, you get asked "Did that hurt?" (More on that later.)
So my experiences hanging out at the shop while waiting to get tattooed or just hanging out for shits and giggles give me a unique perspective on things that go on in the industry. I am not one of them (piercer/artist), and yet I am not one of the people who comes in the door to price out a tattoo or piercing, ask ignorant questions, or don't realize it's customary (even obligatory) to tip the people doing your work.
Thus, I am on the fringe of the industry. But this isn't the sole reason I've chosen the title: I don't consider myself very mainstream in my ideals, beliefs, interests or affiliations. This is not a place you'll want to come if you want a rousing cry to action. This is not a sounding board for the latest political happenings or decrying the evils of the world. This isn't a place to go if you're wondering how I feel about sports scores. This is absolutely not a place to go if you're interested in what the average schmuck has to say about Jersey Fucking Shore.
I am an atheist; I am proud to say it and rarely keep it to myself. I don't believe in god (notice I intentionally refrained from capitalizing), Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, Odin, Muhammed or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you believe in anything, good for you. If you have a problem with me not believing, then now might be a good time for you to check out the latest viral craze on YouTube or pray for my blackened, misbegotten soul.
Again, if you believe, good for you. I'm sure you and your imaginary friend have a blast. Believe what you want; one of the few constants in this world that goes flying in its orbit 'round the sun is that people have always believed what they want to believe. So don't disabuse me of my beliefs (or lack thereof) and we won't have a problem.
I am also an anarchist; I don't truly believe that any form of government hasn't steered us wrong at one point or another, and I purposely refrain from participating in the farce that is currently the United States' "democracy," or as I see it, the Illusion of Choice. Yes, we're all doing mighty fine with our frivolous cell phones, rubber bands shaped like bongs and hundreds of different styles of Sports team hats that we just know are official because people refuse to remove the tag or the swanky hologram sticker with the NBA's logo on it. But I'm rarely driven to care by such things.
I am an unrepentant dork. I have been since my Old Man introduced me to Comic Books, Science Fiction and toys that were hundreds of times cooler than anything he had as a kid. I have geek-related tattoos, I still buy action figures (yes, they're dolls, and yes, I'm okay with that), and I still await the latest comics, movies and tv shows that have my favorite characters.
I am a writer and I feel I have a lot to say. I can be belligerant with my opinion; I've been accused of having as much tact as a trackless tank on more than one occasion. I decided a little while back that I should see if anyone gives a shit about my blog that very well may end up being a long series of posts about how I don't really give a shit.
So when it came time to name the thing, my best friend Chris Bailey and I settled on "On The Fringe." On the fringe of Body Mod culture, on the fringe of the mainstream, and on the fringe of not really giving a fuck. As I've stumbled through the years I find more and more that my anger towards Stupid Shit in my life, in the media, and around the world has sort of transformed and waned into a bemused indifference. So while I can't guarantee I'll always have a valid point to make or that I'll make you laugh, I hope that I at least entertain and at most make you think.
It's going to be an interesting ride, kids; always remember that "May you live in interesting times" is actually an Ancient Chinese curse.
You'll hear from me soon.
-Swift
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