The thought only occurred to me today that I could conceivably publish my novels, or each volume, in serials on this very site. I'm still not certain I want to do this; while I consider myself someone who takes (constructive) criticism well, if a little begrudgingly, self-doubt is wheeling around my head like some sort of impish, nagging apparition of angel and devil.
This story, in its many incarnations, has been with me for quite some time now. I have an idea for how it ends, but I've no idea when it ends, or what sort of undiscovered horrors may surface or resurface as the tale moves toward its end. I feel like it's time that I did something with this, simply because it has been so near and dear to me for so long, and the task has truly been enjoyable, if frustrating at times, as it has gone through variations and permutations to become what you will see in the days to come.
Allow me to address the character of Chris Bailey for a moment: In real life, Chris has been my best friend for the better part of twenty years. When ideas began to spring up in our teens, even before these characters came about, Chris was there. When this world that has evolved as I grew up was created, initially, the star of it was named Chris Bailey. While Chris the character still shares many traits with his real-life counterpart, believe me when I say that he's more of an homage to Chris than anything, and the character being named after my very close friend is for two main reasons: "Chris Bailey" is a pretty common name, but not something you hear all the time, which I think has a nice ring to it. Second, Chris has been with me and this story from the beginning, and I wouldn't feel quite right not giving him some sort of credit, and a "thanks, dawg!" just wouldn't be enough. His fictional counterpart is as important to this story and its telling as real-life Chris has been in its creation, inception, and just being honest with me when he thinks my ideas are dumb.
So what I'm really trying to say is, I hope you enjoy the nonsense that is about to be unleashed from my brain with Chris' help. And if you have any complaints or criticisms to offer:
It was Chris' idea.
Be here tomorrow for the first excerpt.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
REVIEW: Play Arts KAI Devil May Cry 3 Dante and Vergil
Ah, winter is on the verge of making us all miserable. But with winter comes Christmas, and with Christmas comes toys. Not that these two are necessarily on any kids' Christmas lists this year, but I digress.
My first Play Arts purchase was a character I know and love from the Devil May Cry video game series, Dante. I was impressed with the scale and articulation on him even a couple years back, and if not for that "impulse" buy, I wouldn't have jumped on some of their future offerings this past year (like Batman) or sought out older ones from Square Enix (Nero, also from DMC4, and the ever-elusive and expensive-on-the-aftermarket Bayonetta and Ichigo). Overall, Dante and Nero are pretty impressive figures. How do Dante's younger self and his infinitely cooler, evil brother stack up now that Square Enix have had time to improve?
Pretty fucking well, actually.
I'll start with Vergil, my obvious favorite. When I first laid hands on DMC4 Dante, I wanted a Vergil. DMC3 is easily my favorite of the series (thus far, I should say; I have yet to play through DMC4 and I am a horrible person for not doing so), and Dante's twin with a mean streak and a giant katana deserves to be immortalized in plastic. It only took 'em seven years, but here he is, the bastard.
Every little detail from the game is present on his coat, painted nicely in most areas, though the paint is extremely light in some spots. I'm not sure if it's a sloppy paint job or a shitty white paint; if I had to guess I would say a little of both. It doesn't stand out much, really, unless you really get nosey. I'd say it's a pretty damn good paint job, and the airbrushing really brings out some of the sculpted textures even more. People have already complained about the overspray on the face, and I like it. It's not as extreme as the Joker's or even Kratos, but just enough of a dark color around the chin, jaw and cheekbones to bring out the features, and a very nice darkening around his eyes that gives him an appropriately sinister look.
I do have a problem with his face sculpt, though-- on mine it seems that something went wrong in assembly, and one side of his face is broader than the other. I tried to take a "before and after" shot of heating the head and trying to get the plastic to take on its original shape, and I'm not sure how well it worked. I think his head is more symmetrical now, but it could just be me.
The flaps of his coat, like Batman's cape, are on clicky ball hinges and give him a great range of posing options, especially if you're going for the "coat flapping in the wind" look that just... well, it looks fucking cool. There are three sections to his coat, and the side segments are sturdy, but softer plastic was used on the center part, so it droops. Why not use the same type of plastic for all three? With some futzing around you can prop the center part up with one or both of the sides, though.
Vergil includes two sets of hands, one set open for gesturing, and the other for holding his weapons. Both weapon hands, for some reason, have the index finger in the "trigger finger" position...
Oh, right, he used one of Dante's guns at the climax of the game. And man, was that picture a pain in the dick to get! Anyways... It was a cool moment, though it's a little head-scratching that they would make both hands able to hold Dante's guns for something that literally had two seconds of screen time in the game. His grip, as you can see, does not really suffer for having the trigger fingers out, which is great.
Vergil's weapons are both swords inherited from his father, Sparda. The first, and my favorite, is his giant katana, Yamato. Why he named it after a WWII-era battleship or any number of things that are just generic for "Japanese" when Sparda supposedly sealed the Demon Realm eons ago is irrelevant. What is relevant, is that they did a good job representing it in plastic and in scale with Vergil (historical katana are not almost as tall as their wielders). I have two nits, one minor and one not so minor: the first is the lack of a hamon, or a curving, uneven line toward the edge of the blade. This is mainly because I'm a sword dork, and Japanese swords are fucking artwork, that I know or care about this. But-- given that most simulated hamon look like shit, I'm glad they went without.
The second gripe is much larger. Either the packaging or the assembly process is responsible for this, and I think it's inexcusable, given how much these cost. Yamato's handle is bent, and not flush with the rest of the blade. This isn't instantly noticeable if you have him holding the sword, but it irks me and I'm getting more wary of their Quality Control, especially with prices continuing to go up and more of these figures on pre-order. I should mention the packaging, as well: they've forsaken the typical deep, tall window box and replaced it with a wide, flat box that has a velcro flap you have to open to see the figure and its accessories. While this looks nice, it's hardly an excuse for a price increase (most other Play Arts still run you $60-$65, these are going for $70), and while I love not fucking around with twist-ties like any other dork, the black plastic trays holding the figures in place are unforgiving and can lead to warped accessories if you're not careful removing them.
The other weapon is the key to the Demon Realm, the Force Edge, which is a fucking stupid name for a sword unless you're Japanese. It's thick and sturdy, and looks spot-on to the model in the game. I only just posed him with it when I started taking pictures for the review, and I do believe Verg will be a double-wielding badass on the shelf for a few days, at least.
Vergil is an absolute blast to pose and play with, and small touches like the soft plastic used for Yamato's ribbons and the fact that his skin tone is unsettlingly pale compared to Dante's really make him pop even more. If I had to only recommend one of these, it would be Vergil, hands-down. Not that his more famous brother is without his merits...
Dante has his shirtless look, and while this isn't my favorite design for him (my fav being his DMC4 look), it's executed very well here. His face sculpt is devoid of his trademark smirk, which is another thing that has bothered some but not me. In the context of the game, Dante is just starting his Demon-Hunting career, and while much of the game displays his cocky attitude, a more neutral or grim expression is appropriate, especially to have him face off against his brother on the shelf. His hair is in his eyes, which is again game accurate, and is a very stark white to contrast Vergil's, along with his healthier-looking skin tone. The grey wash or overspray is again present on his eyes, which I think they could have done without, but it doesn't look terrible.
Dante's signature red coat is on display here, and has a very glossy, shiny look to it, looking more like pleather than leather, but it also has a lot of nice details in the buttons, clasps and zippers, including a studded strap on his left shoulder. A HUGE plus of this Dante compared to his DMC4 predecessor are the holsters on his back for Ebony and Ivory, his two big semi-auto pistols. Now, I would argue that the placement of these holsters is hardly practical, but it's certainly on-model to the game and the guns fit snugly. And while it's nice to have holsters, the jacket segments stick out a bit from his ass, almost making it look like some weird man-bustle, and the two clicky ball joints on his torso under the coat just seem to make the holsters stick out more. Hrmph. Both Ebony and Ivory are detailed sculpts with detailed paint, and fit nicely in his hands, albeit a tad loose in some poses.
Another point he gains of the DMC4 version is the lack of pegs in his palms for his accessories. The pegs were nice several years back, as the hands weren't necessarily sculpted into a firm grip, but you had to fight with them sometimes, so pegless seems like a good call.
Dante only has one extra hand besides his trigger-fingered grasping pair, an open gesturing hand, which I assume is supposed to be used with Nevan, which I'll get to momentarily.
Dante comes with his signature sword, Rebellion, which is a huge broadsword that defies logic (as does much of the goings-on in the game). It has an intricate skull and ribs motif around the hilt, and a small hole about halfway up the hilt to house the peg that allows you to fit the blade on his back (like Kratos, Dante's weaponry magically adheres to his back when not in use). With DMC4 Dante, there were two pegs for his back: one that looked like a button on his coat, and another that acted as the post to hold the sword. His newer counterpart is not so fortunate: there is only a small, black peg (the perfect size and color for losing in my ugly black-and-orangey-red carpet) that doesn't fit very well into the hole in his back and falls off, A LOT, when posing him.The sword fits pretty well in either trigger-fingered hand, although the joints on his wrists like to droop under the blade's weight.
Also included is Nevan-- one of the bosses in the game is a topless vampire chick, who, when defeated, becomes a purple-demon-y-looking, lightning- and bat-powered guitar, which is either the dumbest thing about the game or the most awesome, depending on how you look at it. Nevan is well-sculpted, and has an "action feature," of a sort: pieces swing out and unfold into a sort of Grim Reaper-esque scythe. It's cool, I suppose, but I don't get all the love this weapon has seen. The Revoltech DMC3 Dante also included Nevan, and I would have preferred, in both instances, that they included other weapons from the game, namely Agni and Rudra.
Poseability, is, again, what you would expect from Play Arts. The only fault I can find with their continually-improving articulation schemes is that these new ratcheting hips are a little funky to deal with at first, moreso on Dante. He just feels spindly and liable to fall at the slightest touch. With the older ball joints, there was a really good, unrestricted range of motion, but nothing to stop them from sagging or splaying out over time if you happened to get a loose joint. With these, it seems they're trying to ensure that loose joints don't happen, but they can be a little frustrating until you get used to them. Also new to these two are mid-foot swivels, which are incredibly handy for when you want their feet to lie flat but can't get the heel to do so.
So, in summation:
The Good: These are fantastic toys. I honestly haven't stopped playng with them since they arrived. The scale is nice and shows off the detail, the poseability is off the charts, and the weapons, paint and accessories are well-done, despite some of my misgivings. If you can afford them and have the room, and are a huge DMC fan, I highly recommend at least Vergil.
The Bad: The price increase is NOT justified, especially considering the continuing QC issues Square Enix seems to be having. Maybe I got the bad luck of the draw here, but for $70 apiece I shouldn't have to do ANYTHING to these to make them better or deal with fucking weird QC issues. But if you get luckier than me, and can justify the price, they're well worth it, especially in Vergil's case, who's been begging to have an action figure made since DMC3 dropped over seven years ago.
Til next time, kids.
-Swift
My first Play Arts purchase was a character I know and love from the Devil May Cry video game series, Dante. I was impressed with the scale and articulation on him even a couple years back, and if not for that "impulse" buy, I wouldn't have jumped on some of their future offerings this past year (like Batman) or sought out older ones from Square Enix (Nero, also from DMC4, and the ever-elusive and expensive-on-the-aftermarket Bayonetta and Ichigo). Overall, Dante and Nero are pretty impressive figures. How do Dante's younger self and his infinitely cooler, evil brother stack up now that Square Enix have had time to improve?
Pretty fucking well, actually.
I'll start with Vergil, my obvious favorite. When I first laid hands on DMC4 Dante, I wanted a Vergil. DMC3 is easily my favorite of the series (thus far, I should say; I have yet to play through DMC4 and I am a horrible person for not doing so), and Dante's twin with a mean streak and a giant katana deserves to be immortalized in plastic. It only took 'em seven years, but here he is, the bastard.
Every little detail from the game is present on his coat, painted nicely in most areas, though the paint is extremely light in some spots. I'm not sure if it's a sloppy paint job or a shitty white paint; if I had to guess I would say a little of both. It doesn't stand out much, really, unless you really get nosey. I'd say it's a pretty damn good paint job, and the airbrushing really brings out some of the sculpted textures even more. People have already complained about the overspray on the face, and I like it. It's not as extreme as the Joker's or even Kratos, but just enough of a dark color around the chin, jaw and cheekbones to bring out the features, and a very nice darkening around his eyes that gives him an appropriately sinister look.
I do have a problem with his face sculpt, though-- on mine it seems that something went wrong in assembly, and one side of his face is broader than the other. I tried to take a "before and after" shot of heating the head and trying to get the plastic to take on its original shape, and I'm not sure how well it worked. I think his head is more symmetrical now, but it could just be me.
 |
| Before Heating & Re-shaping |
The flaps of his coat, like Batman's cape, are on clicky ball hinges and give him a great range of posing options, especially if you're going for the "coat flapping in the wind" look that just... well, it looks fucking cool. There are three sections to his coat, and the side segments are sturdy, but softer plastic was used on the center part, so it droops. Why not use the same type of plastic for all three? With some futzing around you can prop the center part up with one or both of the sides, though.
Vergil includes two sets of hands, one set open for gesturing, and the other for holding his weapons. Both weapon hands, for some reason, have the index finger in the "trigger finger" position...
 |
| JACKPOT! |
Oh, right, he used one of Dante's guns at the climax of the game. And man, was that picture a pain in the dick to get! Anyways... It was a cool moment, though it's a little head-scratching that they would make both hands able to hold Dante's guns for something that literally had two seconds of screen time in the game. His grip, as you can see, does not really suffer for having the trigger fingers out, which is great.
Vergil's weapons are both swords inherited from his father, Sparda. The first, and my favorite, is his giant katana, Yamato. Why he named it after a WWII-era battleship or any number of things that are just generic for "Japanese" when Sparda supposedly sealed the Demon Realm eons ago is irrelevant. What is relevant, is that they did a good job representing it in plastic and in scale with Vergil (historical katana are not almost as tall as their wielders). I have two nits, one minor and one not so minor: the first is the lack of a hamon, or a curving, uneven line toward the edge of the blade. This is mainly because I'm a sword dork, and Japanese swords are fucking artwork, that I know or care about this. But-- given that most simulated hamon look like shit, I'm glad they went without.
The second gripe is much larger. Either the packaging or the assembly process is responsible for this, and I think it's inexcusable, given how much these cost. Yamato's handle is bent, and not flush with the rest of the blade. This isn't instantly noticeable if you have him holding the sword, but it irks me and I'm getting more wary of their Quality Control, especially with prices continuing to go up and more of these figures on pre-order. I should mention the packaging, as well: they've forsaken the typical deep, tall window box and replaced it with a wide, flat box that has a velcro flap you have to open to see the figure and its accessories. While this looks nice, it's hardly an excuse for a price increase (most other Play Arts still run you $60-$65, these are going for $70), and while I love not fucking around with twist-ties like any other dork, the black plastic trays holding the figures in place are unforgiving and can lead to warped accessories if you're not careful removing them.
The other weapon is the key to the Demon Realm, the Force Edge, which is a fucking stupid name for a sword unless you're Japanese. It's thick and sturdy, and looks spot-on to the model in the game. I only just posed him with it when I started taking pictures for the review, and I do believe Verg will be a double-wielding badass on the shelf for a few days, at least.
Vergil is an absolute blast to pose and play with, and small touches like the soft plastic used for Yamato's ribbons and the fact that his skin tone is unsettlingly pale compared to Dante's really make him pop even more. If I had to only recommend one of these, it would be Vergil, hands-down. Not that his more famous brother is without his merits...
Dante has his shirtless look, and while this isn't my favorite design for him (my fav being his DMC4 look), it's executed very well here. His face sculpt is devoid of his trademark smirk, which is another thing that has bothered some but not me. In the context of the game, Dante is just starting his Demon-Hunting career, and while much of the game displays his cocky attitude, a more neutral or grim expression is appropriate, especially to have him face off against his brother on the shelf. His hair is in his eyes, which is again game accurate, and is a very stark white to contrast Vergil's, along with his healthier-looking skin tone. The grey wash or overspray is again present on his eyes, which I think they could have done without, but it doesn't look terrible.
Dante's signature red coat is on display here, and has a very glossy, shiny look to it, looking more like pleather than leather, but it also has a lot of nice details in the buttons, clasps and zippers, including a studded strap on his left shoulder. A HUGE plus of this Dante compared to his DMC4 predecessor are the holsters on his back for Ebony and Ivory, his two big semi-auto pistols. Now, I would argue that the placement of these holsters is hardly practical, but it's certainly on-model to the game and the guns fit snugly. And while it's nice to have holsters, the jacket segments stick out a bit from his ass, almost making it look like some weird man-bustle, and the two clicky ball joints on his torso under the coat just seem to make the holsters stick out more. Hrmph. Both Ebony and Ivory are detailed sculpts with detailed paint, and fit nicely in his hands, albeit a tad loose in some poses.
Another point he gains of the DMC4 version is the lack of pegs in his palms for his accessories. The pegs were nice several years back, as the hands weren't necessarily sculpted into a firm grip, but you had to fight with them sometimes, so pegless seems like a good call.
Dante only has one extra hand besides his trigger-fingered grasping pair, an open gesturing hand, which I assume is supposed to be used with Nevan, which I'll get to momentarily.
Dante comes with his signature sword, Rebellion, which is a huge broadsword that defies logic (as does much of the goings-on in the game). It has an intricate skull and ribs motif around the hilt, and a small hole about halfway up the hilt to house the peg that allows you to fit the blade on his back (like Kratos, Dante's weaponry magically adheres to his back when not in use). With DMC4 Dante, there were two pegs for his back: one that looked like a button on his coat, and another that acted as the post to hold the sword. His newer counterpart is not so fortunate: there is only a small, black peg (the perfect size and color for losing in my ugly black-and-orangey-red carpet) that doesn't fit very well into the hole in his back and falls off, A LOT, when posing him.The sword fits pretty well in either trigger-fingered hand, although the joints on his wrists like to droop under the blade's weight.
Also included is Nevan-- one of the bosses in the game is a topless vampire chick, who, when defeated, becomes a purple-demon-y-looking, lightning- and bat-powered guitar, which is either the dumbest thing about the game or the most awesome, depending on how you look at it. Nevan is well-sculpted, and has an "action feature," of a sort: pieces swing out and unfold into a sort of Grim Reaper-esque scythe. It's cool, I suppose, but I don't get all the love this weapon has seen. The Revoltech DMC3 Dante also included Nevan, and I would have preferred, in both instances, that they included other weapons from the game, namely Agni and Rudra.
Poseability, is, again, what you would expect from Play Arts. The only fault I can find with their continually-improving articulation schemes is that these new ratcheting hips are a little funky to deal with at first, moreso on Dante. He just feels spindly and liable to fall at the slightest touch. With the older ball joints, there was a really good, unrestricted range of motion, but nothing to stop them from sagging or splaying out over time if you happened to get a loose joint. With these, it seems they're trying to ensure that loose joints don't happen, but they can be a little frustrating until you get used to them. Also new to these two are mid-foot swivels, which are incredibly handy for when you want their feet to lie flat but can't get the heel to do so.
So, in summation:
The Good: These are fantastic toys. I honestly haven't stopped playng with them since they arrived. The scale is nice and shows off the detail, the poseability is off the charts, and the weapons, paint and accessories are well-done, despite some of my misgivings. If you can afford them and have the room, and are a huge DMC fan, I highly recommend at least Vergil.
The Bad: The price increase is NOT justified, especially considering the continuing QC issues Square Enix seems to be having. Maybe I got the bad luck of the draw here, but for $70 apiece I shouldn't have to do ANYTHING to these to make them better or deal with fucking weird QC issues. But if you get luckier than me, and can justify the price, they're well worth it, especially in Vergil's case, who's been begging to have an action figure made since DMC3 dropped over seven years ago.
Til next time, kids.
-Swift
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
People Are Still Stupid
So with all the dumbfuck political hubbub surrounding this election dying down, now we have the ignorant bellyaching portion of this race to contend with. It seems that people in twenty states have gotten together and petitioned the White House (on their website) to secede from the United States. There's a lot I could say about this from an atheist standpoint. There's a lot I could say from a liberal standpoint. But shall we approach this from the standpoint of realistic logic? Let's give it a go, shall we?
I get that you fucking morons are all butthurt that your magic-underpants-wearing criminal cocksucker didn't win. I get that most of you are too busy calling Obama "nagger" with your ignorant, lazy slacked jaws to come up with ONE significant reason why you think you no longer want to be part of this country. What I don't get, is how any of you idiots thought secession through for longer than two seconds and said, "Hey, this here's a great idear! A-hyuck!"
Do you have any idea what it would take to turn your state into a small country? That you would have to form your own system of government? That you would likely NOT receive the support of most of the people already in office, who have far too much at stake to start with a clean slate?
For the sake of argument, let's say you went through with this and your state officials all went along with it. You would still need to set up:
-Military
-Law Enforcement and Emergency Response Services
-Legislature for, well, EVERYTHING (including a new constitution/declaration of independence etc.)
-An import/export system for resources (which is doubtful, given that many of you twats either don't give a shit that jobs have been shipped overseas by people like Mitt "My god lives on planet Kolub" Romney and that you probably have very few resources that aren't already obtained from overseas by the rest of the country), which includes gasoline, electricity, consumer goods, and fresh water
-Currency (this one gets me the most. Say these people have money. Are they willing to spend it toward secession? I doubt it.)
I'm assuming many of you think Obama is a Muslim and that all our problems would be fixed if the rest of us heathens just gave our fate over to Jesus. Well guess what? By your logic, everything that happens is god's will. So if the election results are indicative of that, it means, at the very least, your god has abandoned you and you're doing something very, very wrong. Like judging people for their sexual orientation (not a choice) or their use of marijuana (which is a choice, but becoming a necessity to keep my wits and my calm undamaged in the face of ignorance).
Let me propose something to you: if you really believe we have lost our way, if you truly think this is not what your invisible man in the clouds wants for us, if you believe, with all your heart and mind, that there is a god and an afterlife that is better than this wonderful, beautiful planet we are lucky enough to experience with language, art, music, food, friends, family, love, television, movies, video games, cell phones, internet connections and founts of information at the touch of a finger-- just kill yourself and go meet this Jesus fella you're so fucking keen on. If we're wrong, you'll be able to gloat from the afterlife as the rest of us dwindle and descend into hell.
So fall on a knife, walk out into traffic, sit down on some railroad tracks. Drink some drain-o, jump off a cliff, let Jesus take the wheel on some abandoned stretch of highway when no other cars are around. Dive in the nearest body of water and take a nice lungful of it until your dumb bloated ass sinks to the bottom.
The world will be no poorer without you or your ignorant temper tantrums in it.
I get that you fucking morons are all butthurt that your magic-underpants-wearing criminal cocksucker didn't win. I get that most of you are too busy calling Obama "nagger" with your ignorant, lazy slacked jaws to come up with ONE significant reason why you think you no longer want to be part of this country. What I don't get, is how any of you idiots thought secession through for longer than two seconds and said, "Hey, this here's a great idear! A-hyuck!"
Do you have any idea what it would take to turn your state into a small country? That you would have to form your own system of government? That you would likely NOT receive the support of most of the people already in office, who have far too much at stake to start with a clean slate?
For the sake of argument, let's say you went through with this and your state officials all went along with it. You would still need to set up:
-Military
-Law Enforcement and Emergency Response Services
-Legislature for, well, EVERYTHING (including a new constitution/declaration of independence etc.)
-An import/export system for resources (which is doubtful, given that many of you twats either don't give a shit that jobs have been shipped overseas by people like Mitt "My god lives on planet Kolub" Romney and that you probably have very few resources that aren't already obtained from overseas by the rest of the country), which includes gasoline, electricity, consumer goods, and fresh water
-Currency (this one gets me the most. Say these people have money. Are they willing to spend it toward secession? I doubt it.)
I'm assuming many of you think Obama is a Muslim and that all our problems would be fixed if the rest of us heathens just gave our fate over to Jesus. Well guess what? By your logic, everything that happens is god's will. So if the election results are indicative of that, it means, at the very least, your god has abandoned you and you're doing something very, very wrong. Like judging people for their sexual orientation (not a choice) or their use of marijuana (which is a choice, but becoming a necessity to keep my wits and my calm undamaged in the face of ignorance).
Let me propose something to you: if you really believe we have lost our way, if you truly think this is not what your invisible man in the clouds wants for us, if you believe, with all your heart and mind, that there is a god and an afterlife that is better than this wonderful, beautiful planet we are lucky enough to experience with language, art, music, food, friends, family, love, television, movies, video games, cell phones, internet connections and founts of information at the touch of a finger-- just kill yourself and go meet this Jesus fella you're so fucking keen on. If we're wrong, you'll be able to gloat from the afterlife as the rest of us dwindle and descend into hell.
So fall on a knife, walk out into traffic, sit down on some railroad tracks. Drink some drain-o, jump off a cliff, let Jesus take the wheel on some abandoned stretch of highway when no other cars are around. Dive in the nearest body of water and take a nice lungful of it until your dumb bloated ass sinks to the bottom.
The world will be no poorer without you or your ignorant temper tantrums in it.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
REVIEW: Playmates' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Classics
Thankfully Playmates was happy to oblige. With the new Turtles cartoon out and renewed interest in the property, they released Classic versions of the action figures, taking cues from both the original toys and the animation models from the series and kind of smooshing them together. Very successfully, I might add.
Leonardo
I'll start with Leo because he was my favorite Turtle. I liked the blue bandana and the ninja swords, and I still do. Aping the expression of the original figures, Leo has a half-sneer going on and most of his parts are cast in a muted spring green plastic. Unlike the original figure, however, Leo has painted-on pupils, like his animated counterpart. I'm not sure I like the pupils on these yet, and we'll get to that. On Leo, they're applied fairly well and don't look too goofy, but I think they could could have gone with the blank white eyes, like the originals, and they'd have looked just as good.
Michelangelo
My second favorite Turtle as a kid is my least favorite now, thanks to familiarizing myself with history and weaponry. It also doesn't help that of the pupils on these four, Mikey got the worst applications. On all four, it seems the left pupil is a little bigger than the right, and it's most evident here. On the other three, who have the traditional grimace, it doesn't look as bad, but on Mikey it comes off looking dopey thanks to his stern, toothless expression. Maybe he realized that the historic basis for his weaponry is tenuous, at best and began to despair, but we are talking about Mutant Ninja Turtles, after all. The metal chains on the nunchaku are a very nice touch, though.
Raphael
Raph is currently my favorite of the four figures, mostly due to the fact that he can hold his Sai in a "punching" position. It gives him more character than the others, somehow. His symmetrical grimace is spot-on for the character, and his light olive green is just a shade darker than Leo's like his original toy.
Donatello
Don also gets the wonky eye treatment, but not as bad. I like his staff, but I have two nits-- It could be a tad longer and there could be an extra one like the original. But that's pretty minor. Getting him to do the "staff under the arm" pose is a pretty big deal for a toy. There aren't too many mass-market figures that can do that, and it's all thanks to the incredible articulation at work, which brings us to:
The Good: These boys are packed with articulation. The packaging (with its dreaded twist ties, argh!) boasts "34 Points of Articulation!" and they aren't shitting you. Each Turtle has a ball-joint neck with somewhat limited range, ball shoulders, bicep cuts, double-jointed elbows, ball wrists, a mid-torso ball joint, ball hips, thigh swivels, double-jointed knees, ball ankles and an ankle pivot, and articulated toes. Phew!
Oh, and I didn't even mention the fingers:
The thumb moves around as well as up and down, which is a huge help holding their weapons. When purchasing these, the articulated fingers were my biggest concern, but the double jointed thumbs and fairly tight joints put all that to rest. These are sturdy figures all around, and the only wobbly joints I can find are at the torso, and those aren't so bad.
Their weapons are all cast in appropriate colors and have painted details to match their color schemes, except Donatello, who has white bandaging on the grip of his Bo. Why they did this and made everyone else's weapon grips coordinated is beyond me. Each has a sewer lid stand with their name tampo'd across it and chunky foot pegs that keep them securely in place. I wish more companies would consider stands for collector figures obligatory. We aren't throwing them in the toy box in the play room; we want to stand them up for display so our friends can come over and see how weird we are.
The Not So Good: If you buy these in person, check for paint apps on the eyes. Since I ordered online from Target, I got the luck of the draw. But considering I got them for $14.99 each and didn't have to leave the house, I'll deal with it. If you're lazy like me and want to take a chance, that's probably your best bet; I've only seen these at Toys "R" Us three times, and each time the price went up. At first, they were $18.99. About a month later, they were $19.99, and at a different TRU on THE SAME DAY (I was hunting for Masterpiece Prime and I'm a loser, okay?) the tag read $22.99! So if you want 'em, get 'em from Target.com and hope you don't get weird eyes. They are also light on the accessories-- I wouldn't have minded a myriad of ninja weapons like the originals had, or at least a shuriken or two.
Overall: These guys satisfied a pretty good want from me: Classic Turtle representation with modern engineering and articulation. I'm impressed with them, and more than I thought I would be. I recommend them, or if you just want your favorite Turtle, go for it. But you can't just have ONE, can you? Of course you can't...
-Swift
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
REVIEW: Toys R Us Exclusive Transformers Masterpiece Optimus Prime Version 2.0
"YOU GOT THE TOUCH! YOU GOT THE POWEEEEEER!!!
"YEAH!"
Aaaaah, yes. I've had a pretty badass birthday since my last post; I got to see almost every single person whose company I cherish at various intervals over the weekend, and some neat birfday schwag, to boot. Oh, and a fantastically rad tattoo by none other than Peter J. Larkin III. But I digress. I ran out on Wednesday, the last day of my vacation, to both my area Toys R' Us stores, looking for this bad boy. Mayfield yielded nothing (save three of the four "Classic Collection" Ninja Turtles, which I had to pass on--$22.99 a pop?! Really, TRU?), but there were three at the Mentor TRU, and I happily snagged this b-day present to myself, from myself.
I've always loved Transformers, specifically Optimus Prime. Until recently, when I started selling my various toys, I'd say a good 1/4 of my hundreds-strong Transformers collection were different incarnations of the big man himself, the John Wayne of Giant Robots, Optimus Fucking Prime. I'm not sure what contributes to Optimus' continued relevance, specifically-- the iconic design, the primary red-and-blue color scheme, the face plate-and-antennae head design... I could go on, but most of you know who OP is, and most of you who are familiar with OP prior to Michael Bay will probably remember his climactic showdown in Tranformers: The Movie, one of the corniest most awesome toy-to-cartoon productions ever made.
Some of you may be asking: "But Swift! Takara/Hasbro already made the ultimate Optimus Prime figure, like, ten years ago!" Well, ten years ago, you woulda been right. And while I no longer have the larger, heavier (and heavier on die-cast metal) version of OP, I'll try to have some comments about their differences.
Packaging: I usually don't comment about packaging, since I play with display my toys, but it's worth mentioning here for the simple reason that Japanese toys have completely spoiled me with their lack of stupid clear rubber bands and accursed twist ties. OP and his various accessories, while not being restrained by the terrible twisties, are held into place by NINE recycled-paper ties, which were quickly and efficiently removed with a small pair of wire cutters, an essential for any toy collector. The trailer was wrapped with a plastic band, which was a little harder to remove. Everything is displayed right up front in the packaging, and OP even has his chest cavity open to show off the Matrix of Leadership, which was "held" open by a clear rubber band looped over the doors and a plastic spacer wedged between them. Ugh, packaging. The Japanese really are more advanced than us.
The Good: OP is a fair size, and is about as tall as the Masterpiece Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime that came before him. Having said that, he towers over most other Transformers, while ending up a few inches shorter than his previous Masterpiece release. Missing from this version is a lot of die cast metal, and to me, this isn't a bad thing. Version 1 OP, while pretty spot-on to his cartoon and TF: The Movie appearance, was a little bit of pain in the ass to stand and balance, thanks to the unwieldy die cast metal used in his construction, mostly his legs. V.2 OP is lighter, less blocky in his construction, and an ease to pose and transform. Everything is made from a sturdy, quality plastic, except the hinge-and-arm assembly in the center of his torso that is pivotal (yuck yuck yuck) to his transformation. There's also some vac-metallized accents on the chest interior over the Matrix of Leadership door, the false truck grille that forms his abs, the smoke stacks on his shoulders, the two fuel tanks (those are fuel tanks, right? I always assumed they were) on his lower legs, and the various tabs and panels that fold around to form the truck's front in vehicle mode. Paint apps are minimal, which is a sticking point with me these days for Transformers, but on OP there's very little to do. What applications are here are done well, with no slop or fuzziness, and most of the figure is molded in the appropriate colors. The yellow on his "belt" is transparent, with nice little tech details molded underneath. In fact, there's very nice, detailed sculpting throughout on OP--nothing seems to be an afterthought, from the details on the Matrix cavity to the spare tire molded into the bottom of the trailer. Did I mention the trailer? Oh, we'll get there.
His accessories are all appropriate for this classic, iconic representation: he comes with his Ion Cannon, his Energon Axe, Roller, the Matrix of Leadership (which my perilously close-cropped fingernails cannot remove) and the trailer. The Trailer/Battle Station/Maintenance Dock is almost painstakingly recreated from the original 1984 toy, with much more intricate detailing and room for tiny little humans to dick around, I guess. And who are these puny humans who might dick around with advanced Cybertronian technology? Why Spike Witwicky, for one. A tiny little Spike figure is included and fits either inside the truck, at two of the stations inside the trailer, inside Roller or inside the Repair Drone, so there's plenty of options for Spike to be displayed. I probably won't, considering that I've always felt humans stink up Transformers in general, but he's a nice bonus.
The Ion Cannon seems a tad on the smallish side, but I think that has a lot to do with the massive (and mis-colored) one that came with V.1. This one, molded in the appropriate black color and highlighted with some silver, if you get past the smallishness, is a thing of beauty. It sits firmly in either hand thanks to a tab on the grip (unlike V.1), and actually transforms (!) to stow away in a central compartment on his back. The tab and lock system to get it to fold up is a little touchy, but once you click it into place, it fits nicely in his back and pops open with the push of a little gray button, ready for battle.
The Energon Axe is pretty much what we've seen before with re-releases of the original mold and in countless other media, and unlike the one that came with V.1, it fits snugly over OP's fist, rather than snapping onto his partially-transformed wrist stump. Again, it's a snug fit, and only fits over his right fist. It's larger than V.1's, and looks pretty menacing on the figure, which I like.
The Trailer holds Roller, who just kind of rattles around inside with no way to secure him. Roller himself is pretty ho-hum at first glance, which you would expect from previous versions of the little drone if you've owned just about any OP that comes with him. However, there are a couple of features that make him stand out, the first being the compartment that opens to accommodate the Ion Cannon. It's little things like this that really make this version shine over the multitudes of Optimus Primes released over the years. The second compartment opens and a whole chunk of Roller's back end flips around to reveal a trailer hitch so he can haul the thing while OP is busy being a badass in robot mode without his trailer. Very cool, and again, more options for display = higher praise from me. The Repair Drone inside is about what you would expect, much like Roller, and has the clamp arm (which is extremely well-articulated) and the little radar "dish" thing that can be raised up and spins. The trailer itself has two legs that swing out, and in doing so, lowers the landing skids automatically, and there are also two legs that swing down from the trailer's front to add more stability. Overall, it's a nice recreation of the original OP toy without being anything too spectacular.
The truck mode is, again, what you would expect from the classic 1984 model OP, but there are little things that make it stand out just a tad more than others-- the first being that OP finally has side mirrors that flip out from the windows, and accurate truck mirrors, at that. This simple feature and the fact that it made me excited probably says more about me than it does the toy, but he's got frickin' mirrors, for once! The trailer hitch is very nicely done-- there's nothing intrusive sticking out of OP's legs (they snap together to form the truck body, naturally) to get the hitch to work, and the two tabs on the trailer that snap onto OP are surprisingly strong.
There are all sorts of ratcheting joints going on with this figure, from the ones in the Repair Drone's support arm to the ones in OP's legs and knees. OP really is fun to pose, and the fact that he can stay posed in most cases is a HUGE plus. Unlike V.1, his arms are much lighter and stay (for the most part) where you put them, despite having no ratcheting joints in them. Everything seems nice and tight thanks to solid construction on Takara's (and Hasbro, too I guess) part.
Transformation: The process to change OP from robot to truck is much, much, MUCH less frustrating and time-consuming than his V.1 predecessor. I know the "difficulty level" American Transformers have been putting on their packaging for the last decade or so is usually a joke (meaning the toys were supposedly more "advanced" in their transformation the higher they were in price point), but to say that OP here is "advanced" is stretching it a bit. I looked at the instructions ONCE and was able to change him to truck and back to robot without consulting them further, which to me is how Transformers should be. Compared to other Masterpiece releases, OP is right up there in the "smooth transformation" category with Grimlock, and Grimmy was the best MP they made, until now. Nothing sticks or has to be forced, although there are some things that can get in the way if you try to get ahead of yourself. There are some panels and such that don't seem to want to "click" into place here and there, but it's minor overall. I mean, this isn't one of the movie TF's or anything where you have to worry about something snapping off or never working properly again unless you take everything in the same ritualistic order every time, but that does bring us to:
The Not So Good: I was going to put "The Bad," but so far I can't find a single thing on here that I honestly think is bad. Let's start with the panels that don't want to stay in place like they should-- the Cannon compartment on his back doesn't want to stay flush with the rest of him, leaving a small gap, which is annoying more than anything. The panels that fold around and become his robot shins, the right one, in particular, seem to need a little coaxing to lay flat against his leg, but that may just be on mine.
There's scratching on the top part of his torso, across the shoulders beside the head, but seeing as how the torso is molded in red (unlike V.1 and his die cast torso coated with red paint), it does very little to detract from or mar his overall look. The Ion Cannon, as mentioned, is a little touchy with its spring-loaded gimmick to fold and unfold, but you can always use the trailer's designated space for the rifle if it really bothers you. The only major complaint I can level at V.2 OP is the Energon Axe-- it's a two-piece assembly, the shaft that has the axe blade and the bulb that fits over his fist, and the shaft keeps popping off of mine and may require gluing. I also would have liked a different method to attach the axe-- having it be only for his right hand is a bummer. A small bummer, but a bummer nonetheless. Why can't he be ambidextrous with his melee-ing?
There are a few minor nits I will level at this figure in truck mode-- the first being that you can clearly see the back of OP's head through the windshield. It doesn't bother me, as I rarely display my TF's in their alternate modes (except Grimmy, but OP might be truckin' along in my display soon), but it does look odd to sit Spike next to Optimus' head inside the truck. If you turn him over in truck mode, the Matrix is clearly visible, which is a little silly, but if I remember correctly, V.1 had this or a similar problem, too. I honestly have nothing else negative to say about this toy, except...
Value: Optimus is going to set you back $99.99, if you manage to find him before the scalpers do at your local Toys R' Us. Now, to many of you (not those of you familiar with Transformers, I think, especially if you get into the 3rd-party figures), that may seem pretty steep. But to me, considering that the price for virtually the same toy, imported from its native Japan, is $299.99-- Optimus Prime here is a bloody good deal, and to my knowledge, this US version includes everything his pricier Japanese counterpart did. So at this price, I would say it's a pretty fair value for a larger, feature- and accessory-laden Transformer. No, he doesn't have the heft of his V.1 predecessor, but I don't think he needs it, or the light-up feature for the Matrix, as a matter of fact. There's no spring-loaded missiles, no electronics, and no annoying auto-transformation features (unless you count the rifle, which I don't). All you get is a good, solid, screen-accurate Optimus Prime toy that looks like the classic character, has tons of display options, won't make you want to throw it at the wall because you can't transform it, and won't fall over because all the die-cast in it makes it too goddamn heavy. Version 2, to me, has set the bar once again for what modern engineering can do for 30-odd year-old designs and has dethroned Version 1 as the ultimate OP toy. At least until they make another one next decade.
-Swift
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