The thought only occurred to me today that I could conceivably publish my novels, or each volume, in serials on this very site. I'm still not certain I want to do this; while I consider myself someone who takes (constructive) criticism well, if a little begrudgingly, self-doubt is wheeling around my head like some sort of impish, nagging apparition of angel and devil.
This story, in its many incarnations, has been with me for quite some time now. I have an idea for how it ends, but I've no idea when it ends, or what sort of undiscovered horrors may surface or resurface as the tale moves toward its end. I feel like it's time that I did something with this, simply because it has been so near and dear to me for so long, and the task has truly been enjoyable, if frustrating at times, as it has gone through variations and permutations to become what you will see in the days to come.
Allow me to address the character of Chris Bailey for a moment: In real life, Chris has been my best friend for the better part of twenty years. When ideas began to spring up in our teens, even before these characters came about, Chris was there. When this world that has evolved as I grew up was created, initially, the star of it was named Chris Bailey. While Chris the character still shares many traits with his real-life counterpart, believe me when I say that he's more of an homage to Chris than anything, and the character being named after my very close friend is for two main reasons: "Chris Bailey" is a pretty common name, but not something you hear all the time, which I think has a nice ring to it. Second, Chris has been with me and this story from the beginning, and I wouldn't feel quite right not giving him some sort of credit, and a "thanks, dawg!" just wouldn't be enough. His fictional counterpart is as important to this story and its telling as real-life Chris has been in its creation, inception, and just being honest with me when he thinks my ideas are dumb.
So what I'm really trying to say is, I hope you enjoy the nonsense that is about to be unleashed from my brain with Chris' help. And if you have any complaints or criticisms to offer:
It was Chris' idea.
Be here tomorrow for the first excerpt.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
REVIEW: Play Arts KAI Devil May Cry 3 Dante and Vergil
Ah, winter is on the verge of making us all miserable. But with winter comes Christmas, and with Christmas comes toys. Not that these two are necessarily on any kids' Christmas lists this year, but I digress.
My first Play Arts purchase was a character I know and love from the Devil May Cry video game series, Dante. I was impressed with the scale and articulation on him even a couple years back, and if not for that "impulse" buy, I wouldn't have jumped on some of their future offerings this past year (like Batman) or sought out older ones from Square Enix (Nero, also from DMC4, and the ever-elusive and expensive-on-the-aftermarket Bayonetta and Ichigo). Overall, Dante and Nero are pretty impressive figures. How do Dante's younger self and his infinitely cooler, evil brother stack up now that Square Enix have had time to improve?
Pretty fucking well, actually.
I'll start with Vergil, my obvious favorite. When I first laid hands on DMC4 Dante, I wanted a Vergil. DMC3 is easily my favorite of the series (thus far, I should say; I have yet to play through DMC4 and I am a horrible person for not doing so), and Dante's twin with a mean streak and a giant katana deserves to be immortalized in plastic. It only took 'em seven years, but here he is, the bastard.
Every little detail from the game is present on his coat, painted nicely in most areas, though the paint is extremely light in some spots. I'm not sure if it's a sloppy paint job or a shitty white paint; if I had to guess I would say a little of both. It doesn't stand out much, really, unless you really get nosey. I'd say it's a pretty damn good paint job, and the airbrushing really brings out some of the sculpted textures even more. People have already complained about the overspray on the face, and I like it. It's not as extreme as the Joker's or even Kratos, but just enough of a dark color around the chin, jaw and cheekbones to bring out the features, and a very nice darkening around his eyes that gives him an appropriately sinister look.
I do have a problem with his face sculpt, though-- on mine it seems that something went wrong in assembly, and one side of his face is broader than the other. I tried to take a "before and after" shot of heating the head and trying to get the plastic to take on its original shape, and I'm not sure how well it worked. I think his head is more symmetrical now, but it could just be me.
The flaps of his coat, like Batman's cape, are on clicky ball hinges and give him a great range of posing options, especially if you're going for the "coat flapping in the wind" look that just... well, it looks fucking cool. There are three sections to his coat, and the side segments are sturdy, but softer plastic was used on the center part, so it droops. Why not use the same type of plastic for all three? With some futzing around you can prop the center part up with one or both of the sides, though.
Vergil includes two sets of hands, one set open for gesturing, and the other for holding his weapons. Both weapon hands, for some reason, have the index finger in the "trigger finger" position...
Oh, right, he used one of Dante's guns at the climax of the game. And man, was that picture a pain in the dick to get! Anyways... It was a cool moment, though it's a little head-scratching that they would make both hands able to hold Dante's guns for something that literally had two seconds of screen time in the game. His grip, as you can see, does not really suffer for having the trigger fingers out, which is great.
Vergil's weapons are both swords inherited from his father, Sparda. The first, and my favorite, is his giant katana, Yamato. Why he named it after a WWII-era battleship or any number of things that are just generic for "Japanese" when Sparda supposedly sealed the Demon Realm eons ago is irrelevant. What is relevant, is that they did a good job representing it in plastic and in scale with Vergil (historical katana are not almost as tall as their wielders). I have two nits, one minor and one not so minor: the first is the lack of a hamon, or a curving, uneven line toward the edge of the blade. This is mainly because I'm a sword dork, and Japanese swords are fucking artwork, that I know or care about this. But-- given that most simulated hamon look like shit, I'm glad they went without.
The second gripe is much larger. Either the packaging or the assembly process is responsible for this, and I think it's inexcusable, given how much these cost. Yamato's handle is bent, and not flush with the rest of the blade. This isn't instantly noticeable if you have him holding the sword, but it irks me and I'm getting more wary of their Quality Control, especially with prices continuing to go up and more of these figures on pre-order. I should mention the packaging, as well: they've forsaken the typical deep, tall window box and replaced it with a wide, flat box that has a velcro flap you have to open to see the figure and its accessories. While this looks nice, it's hardly an excuse for a price increase (most other Play Arts still run you $60-$65, these are going for $70), and while I love not fucking around with twist-ties like any other dork, the black plastic trays holding the figures in place are unforgiving and can lead to warped accessories if you're not careful removing them.
The other weapon is the key to the Demon Realm, the Force Edge, which is a fucking stupid name for a sword unless you're Japanese. It's thick and sturdy, and looks spot-on to the model in the game. I only just posed him with it when I started taking pictures for the review, and I do believe Verg will be a double-wielding badass on the shelf for a few days, at least.
Vergil is an absolute blast to pose and play with, and small touches like the soft plastic used for Yamato's ribbons and the fact that his skin tone is unsettlingly pale compared to Dante's really make him pop even more. If I had to only recommend one of these, it would be Vergil, hands-down. Not that his more famous brother is without his merits...
Dante has his shirtless look, and while this isn't my favorite design for him (my fav being his DMC4 look), it's executed very well here. His face sculpt is devoid of his trademark smirk, which is another thing that has bothered some but not me. In the context of the game, Dante is just starting his Demon-Hunting career, and while much of the game displays his cocky attitude, a more neutral or grim expression is appropriate, especially to have him face off against his brother on the shelf. His hair is in his eyes, which is again game accurate, and is a very stark white to contrast Vergil's, along with his healthier-looking skin tone. The grey wash or overspray is again present on his eyes, which I think they could have done without, but it doesn't look terrible.
Dante's signature red coat is on display here, and has a very glossy, shiny look to it, looking more like pleather than leather, but it also has a lot of nice details in the buttons, clasps and zippers, including a studded strap on his left shoulder. A HUGE plus of this Dante compared to his DMC4 predecessor are the holsters on his back for Ebony and Ivory, his two big semi-auto pistols. Now, I would argue that the placement of these holsters is hardly practical, but it's certainly on-model to the game and the guns fit snugly. And while it's nice to have holsters, the jacket segments stick out a bit from his ass, almost making it look like some weird man-bustle, and the two clicky ball joints on his torso under the coat just seem to make the holsters stick out more. Hrmph. Both Ebony and Ivory are detailed sculpts with detailed paint, and fit nicely in his hands, albeit a tad loose in some poses.
Another point he gains of the DMC4 version is the lack of pegs in his palms for his accessories. The pegs were nice several years back, as the hands weren't necessarily sculpted into a firm grip, but you had to fight with them sometimes, so pegless seems like a good call.
Dante only has one extra hand besides his trigger-fingered grasping pair, an open gesturing hand, which I assume is supposed to be used with Nevan, which I'll get to momentarily.
Dante comes with his signature sword, Rebellion, which is a huge broadsword that defies logic (as does much of the goings-on in the game). It has an intricate skull and ribs motif around the hilt, and a small hole about halfway up the hilt to house the peg that allows you to fit the blade on his back (like Kratos, Dante's weaponry magically adheres to his back when not in use). With DMC4 Dante, there were two pegs for his back: one that looked like a button on his coat, and another that acted as the post to hold the sword. His newer counterpart is not so fortunate: there is only a small, black peg (the perfect size and color for losing in my ugly black-and-orangey-red carpet) that doesn't fit very well into the hole in his back and falls off, A LOT, when posing him.The sword fits pretty well in either trigger-fingered hand, although the joints on his wrists like to droop under the blade's weight.
Also included is Nevan-- one of the bosses in the game is a topless vampire chick, who, when defeated, becomes a purple-demon-y-looking, lightning- and bat-powered guitar, which is either the dumbest thing about the game or the most awesome, depending on how you look at it. Nevan is well-sculpted, and has an "action feature," of a sort: pieces swing out and unfold into a sort of Grim Reaper-esque scythe. It's cool, I suppose, but I don't get all the love this weapon has seen. The Revoltech DMC3 Dante also included Nevan, and I would have preferred, in both instances, that they included other weapons from the game, namely Agni and Rudra.
Poseability, is, again, what you would expect from Play Arts. The only fault I can find with their continually-improving articulation schemes is that these new ratcheting hips are a little funky to deal with at first, moreso on Dante. He just feels spindly and liable to fall at the slightest touch. With the older ball joints, there was a really good, unrestricted range of motion, but nothing to stop them from sagging or splaying out over time if you happened to get a loose joint. With these, it seems they're trying to ensure that loose joints don't happen, but they can be a little frustrating until you get used to them. Also new to these two are mid-foot swivels, which are incredibly handy for when you want their feet to lie flat but can't get the heel to do so.
So, in summation:
The Good: These are fantastic toys. I honestly haven't stopped playng with them since they arrived. The scale is nice and shows off the detail, the poseability is off the charts, and the weapons, paint and accessories are well-done, despite some of my misgivings. If you can afford them and have the room, and are a huge DMC fan, I highly recommend at least Vergil.
The Bad: The price increase is NOT justified, especially considering the continuing QC issues Square Enix seems to be having. Maybe I got the bad luck of the draw here, but for $70 apiece I shouldn't have to do ANYTHING to these to make them better or deal with fucking weird QC issues. But if you get luckier than me, and can justify the price, they're well worth it, especially in Vergil's case, who's been begging to have an action figure made since DMC3 dropped over seven years ago.
Til next time, kids.
-Swift
My first Play Arts purchase was a character I know and love from the Devil May Cry video game series, Dante. I was impressed with the scale and articulation on him even a couple years back, and if not for that "impulse" buy, I wouldn't have jumped on some of their future offerings this past year (like Batman) or sought out older ones from Square Enix (Nero, also from DMC4, and the ever-elusive and expensive-on-the-aftermarket Bayonetta and Ichigo). Overall, Dante and Nero are pretty impressive figures. How do Dante's younger self and his infinitely cooler, evil brother stack up now that Square Enix have had time to improve?
Pretty fucking well, actually.
I'll start with Vergil, my obvious favorite. When I first laid hands on DMC4 Dante, I wanted a Vergil. DMC3 is easily my favorite of the series (thus far, I should say; I have yet to play through DMC4 and I am a horrible person for not doing so), and Dante's twin with a mean streak and a giant katana deserves to be immortalized in plastic. It only took 'em seven years, but here he is, the bastard.
Every little detail from the game is present on his coat, painted nicely in most areas, though the paint is extremely light in some spots. I'm not sure if it's a sloppy paint job or a shitty white paint; if I had to guess I would say a little of both. It doesn't stand out much, really, unless you really get nosey. I'd say it's a pretty damn good paint job, and the airbrushing really brings out some of the sculpted textures even more. People have already complained about the overspray on the face, and I like it. It's not as extreme as the Joker's or even Kratos, but just enough of a dark color around the chin, jaw and cheekbones to bring out the features, and a very nice darkening around his eyes that gives him an appropriately sinister look.
I do have a problem with his face sculpt, though-- on mine it seems that something went wrong in assembly, and one side of his face is broader than the other. I tried to take a "before and after" shot of heating the head and trying to get the plastic to take on its original shape, and I'm not sure how well it worked. I think his head is more symmetrical now, but it could just be me.
 |
| Before Heating & Re-shaping |
The flaps of his coat, like Batman's cape, are on clicky ball hinges and give him a great range of posing options, especially if you're going for the "coat flapping in the wind" look that just... well, it looks fucking cool. There are three sections to his coat, and the side segments are sturdy, but softer plastic was used on the center part, so it droops. Why not use the same type of plastic for all three? With some futzing around you can prop the center part up with one or both of the sides, though.
Vergil includes two sets of hands, one set open for gesturing, and the other for holding his weapons. Both weapon hands, for some reason, have the index finger in the "trigger finger" position...
 |
| JACKPOT! |
Oh, right, he used one of Dante's guns at the climax of the game. And man, was that picture a pain in the dick to get! Anyways... It was a cool moment, though it's a little head-scratching that they would make both hands able to hold Dante's guns for something that literally had two seconds of screen time in the game. His grip, as you can see, does not really suffer for having the trigger fingers out, which is great.
Vergil's weapons are both swords inherited from his father, Sparda. The first, and my favorite, is his giant katana, Yamato. Why he named it after a WWII-era battleship or any number of things that are just generic for "Japanese" when Sparda supposedly sealed the Demon Realm eons ago is irrelevant. What is relevant, is that they did a good job representing it in plastic and in scale with Vergil (historical katana are not almost as tall as their wielders). I have two nits, one minor and one not so minor: the first is the lack of a hamon, or a curving, uneven line toward the edge of the blade. This is mainly because I'm a sword dork, and Japanese swords are fucking artwork, that I know or care about this. But-- given that most simulated hamon look like shit, I'm glad they went without.
The second gripe is much larger. Either the packaging or the assembly process is responsible for this, and I think it's inexcusable, given how much these cost. Yamato's handle is bent, and not flush with the rest of the blade. This isn't instantly noticeable if you have him holding the sword, but it irks me and I'm getting more wary of their Quality Control, especially with prices continuing to go up and more of these figures on pre-order. I should mention the packaging, as well: they've forsaken the typical deep, tall window box and replaced it with a wide, flat box that has a velcro flap you have to open to see the figure and its accessories. While this looks nice, it's hardly an excuse for a price increase (most other Play Arts still run you $60-$65, these are going for $70), and while I love not fucking around with twist-ties like any other dork, the black plastic trays holding the figures in place are unforgiving and can lead to warped accessories if you're not careful removing them.
The other weapon is the key to the Demon Realm, the Force Edge, which is a fucking stupid name for a sword unless you're Japanese. It's thick and sturdy, and looks spot-on to the model in the game. I only just posed him with it when I started taking pictures for the review, and I do believe Verg will be a double-wielding badass on the shelf for a few days, at least.
Vergil is an absolute blast to pose and play with, and small touches like the soft plastic used for Yamato's ribbons and the fact that his skin tone is unsettlingly pale compared to Dante's really make him pop even more. If I had to only recommend one of these, it would be Vergil, hands-down. Not that his more famous brother is without his merits...
Dante has his shirtless look, and while this isn't my favorite design for him (my fav being his DMC4 look), it's executed very well here. His face sculpt is devoid of his trademark smirk, which is another thing that has bothered some but not me. In the context of the game, Dante is just starting his Demon-Hunting career, and while much of the game displays his cocky attitude, a more neutral or grim expression is appropriate, especially to have him face off against his brother on the shelf. His hair is in his eyes, which is again game accurate, and is a very stark white to contrast Vergil's, along with his healthier-looking skin tone. The grey wash or overspray is again present on his eyes, which I think they could have done without, but it doesn't look terrible.
Dante's signature red coat is on display here, and has a very glossy, shiny look to it, looking more like pleather than leather, but it also has a lot of nice details in the buttons, clasps and zippers, including a studded strap on his left shoulder. A HUGE plus of this Dante compared to his DMC4 predecessor are the holsters on his back for Ebony and Ivory, his two big semi-auto pistols. Now, I would argue that the placement of these holsters is hardly practical, but it's certainly on-model to the game and the guns fit snugly. And while it's nice to have holsters, the jacket segments stick out a bit from his ass, almost making it look like some weird man-bustle, and the two clicky ball joints on his torso under the coat just seem to make the holsters stick out more. Hrmph. Both Ebony and Ivory are detailed sculpts with detailed paint, and fit nicely in his hands, albeit a tad loose in some poses.
Another point he gains of the DMC4 version is the lack of pegs in his palms for his accessories. The pegs were nice several years back, as the hands weren't necessarily sculpted into a firm grip, but you had to fight with them sometimes, so pegless seems like a good call.
Dante only has one extra hand besides his trigger-fingered grasping pair, an open gesturing hand, which I assume is supposed to be used with Nevan, which I'll get to momentarily.
Dante comes with his signature sword, Rebellion, which is a huge broadsword that defies logic (as does much of the goings-on in the game). It has an intricate skull and ribs motif around the hilt, and a small hole about halfway up the hilt to house the peg that allows you to fit the blade on his back (like Kratos, Dante's weaponry magically adheres to his back when not in use). With DMC4 Dante, there were two pegs for his back: one that looked like a button on his coat, and another that acted as the post to hold the sword. His newer counterpart is not so fortunate: there is only a small, black peg (the perfect size and color for losing in my ugly black-and-orangey-red carpet) that doesn't fit very well into the hole in his back and falls off, A LOT, when posing him.The sword fits pretty well in either trigger-fingered hand, although the joints on his wrists like to droop under the blade's weight.
Also included is Nevan-- one of the bosses in the game is a topless vampire chick, who, when defeated, becomes a purple-demon-y-looking, lightning- and bat-powered guitar, which is either the dumbest thing about the game or the most awesome, depending on how you look at it. Nevan is well-sculpted, and has an "action feature," of a sort: pieces swing out and unfold into a sort of Grim Reaper-esque scythe. It's cool, I suppose, but I don't get all the love this weapon has seen. The Revoltech DMC3 Dante also included Nevan, and I would have preferred, in both instances, that they included other weapons from the game, namely Agni and Rudra.
Poseability, is, again, what you would expect from Play Arts. The only fault I can find with their continually-improving articulation schemes is that these new ratcheting hips are a little funky to deal with at first, moreso on Dante. He just feels spindly and liable to fall at the slightest touch. With the older ball joints, there was a really good, unrestricted range of motion, but nothing to stop them from sagging or splaying out over time if you happened to get a loose joint. With these, it seems they're trying to ensure that loose joints don't happen, but they can be a little frustrating until you get used to them. Also new to these two are mid-foot swivels, which are incredibly handy for when you want their feet to lie flat but can't get the heel to do so.
So, in summation:
The Good: These are fantastic toys. I honestly haven't stopped playng with them since they arrived. The scale is nice and shows off the detail, the poseability is off the charts, and the weapons, paint and accessories are well-done, despite some of my misgivings. If you can afford them and have the room, and are a huge DMC fan, I highly recommend at least Vergil.
The Bad: The price increase is NOT justified, especially considering the continuing QC issues Square Enix seems to be having. Maybe I got the bad luck of the draw here, but for $70 apiece I shouldn't have to do ANYTHING to these to make them better or deal with fucking weird QC issues. But if you get luckier than me, and can justify the price, they're well worth it, especially in Vergil's case, who's been begging to have an action figure made since DMC3 dropped over seven years ago.
Til next time, kids.
-Swift
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
People Are Still Stupid
So with all the dumbfuck political hubbub surrounding this election dying down, now we have the ignorant bellyaching portion of this race to contend with. It seems that people in twenty states have gotten together and petitioned the White House (on their website) to secede from the United States. There's a lot I could say about this from an atheist standpoint. There's a lot I could say from a liberal standpoint. But shall we approach this from the standpoint of realistic logic? Let's give it a go, shall we?
I get that you fucking morons are all butthurt that your magic-underpants-wearing criminal cocksucker didn't win. I get that most of you are too busy calling Obama "nagger" with your ignorant, lazy slacked jaws to come up with ONE significant reason why you think you no longer want to be part of this country. What I don't get, is how any of you idiots thought secession through for longer than two seconds and said, "Hey, this here's a great idear! A-hyuck!"
Do you have any idea what it would take to turn your state into a small country? That you would have to form your own system of government? That you would likely NOT receive the support of most of the people already in office, who have far too much at stake to start with a clean slate?
For the sake of argument, let's say you went through with this and your state officials all went along with it. You would still need to set up:
-Military
-Law Enforcement and Emergency Response Services
-Legislature for, well, EVERYTHING (including a new constitution/declaration of independence etc.)
-An import/export system for resources (which is doubtful, given that many of you twats either don't give a shit that jobs have been shipped overseas by people like Mitt "My god lives on planet Kolub" Romney and that you probably have very few resources that aren't already obtained from overseas by the rest of the country), which includes gasoline, electricity, consumer goods, and fresh water
-Currency (this one gets me the most. Say these people have money. Are they willing to spend it toward secession? I doubt it.)
I'm assuming many of you think Obama is a Muslim and that all our problems would be fixed if the rest of us heathens just gave our fate over to Jesus. Well guess what? By your logic, everything that happens is god's will. So if the election results are indicative of that, it means, at the very least, your god has abandoned you and you're doing something very, very wrong. Like judging people for their sexual orientation (not a choice) or their use of marijuana (which is a choice, but becoming a necessity to keep my wits and my calm undamaged in the face of ignorance).
Let me propose something to you: if you really believe we have lost our way, if you truly think this is not what your invisible man in the clouds wants for us, if you believe, with all your heart and mind, that there is a god and an afterlife that is better than this wonderful, beautiful planet we are lucky enough to experience with language, art, music, food, friends, family, love, television, movies, video games, cell phones, internet connections and founts of information at the touch of a finger-- just kill yourself and go meet this Jesus fella you're so fucking keen on. If we're wrong, you'll be able to gloat from the afterlife as the rest of us dwindle and descend into hell.
So fall on a knife, walk out into traffic, sit down on some railroad tracks. Drink some drain-o, jump off a cliff, let Jesus take the wheel on some abandoned stretch of highway when no other cars are around. Dive in the nearest body of water and take a nice lungful of it until your dumb bloated ass sinks to the bottom.
The world will be no poorer without you or your ignorant temper tantrums in it.
I get that you fucking morons are all butthurt that your magic-underpants-wearing criminal cocksucker didn't win. I get that most of you are too busy calling Obama "nagger" with your ignorant, lazy slacked jaws to come up with ONE significant reason why you think you no longer want to be part of this country. What I don't get, is how any of you idiots thought secession through for longer than two seconds and said, "Hey, this here's a great idear! A-hyuck!"
Do you have any idea what it would take to turn your state into a small country? That you would have to form your own system of government? That you would likely NOT receive the support of most of the people already in office, who have far too much at stake to start with a clean slate?
For the sake of argument, let's say you went through with this and your state officials all went along with it. You would still need to set up:
-Military
-Law Enforcement and Emergency Response Services
-Legislature for, well, EVERYTHING (including a new constitution/declaration of independence etc.)
-An import/export system for resources (which is doubtful, given that many of you twats either don't give a shit that jobs have been shipped overseas by people like Mitt "My god lives on planet Kolub" Romney and that you probably have very few resources that aren't already obtained from overseas by the rest of the country), which includes gasoline, electricity, consumer goods, and fresh water
-Currency (this one gets me the most. Say these people have money. Are they willing to spend it toward secession? I doubt it.)
I'm assuming many of you think Obama is a Muslim and that all our problems would be fixed if the rest of us heathens just gave our fate over to Jesus. Well guess what? By your logic, everything that happens is god's will. So if the election results are indicative of that, it means, at the very least, your god has abandoned you and you're doing something very, very wrong. Like judging people for their sexual orientation (not a choice) or their use of marijuana (which is a choice, but becoming a necessity to keep my wits and my calm undamaged in the face of ignorance).
Let me propose something to you: if you really believe we have lost our way, if you truly think this is not what your invisible man in the clouds wants for us, if you believe, with all your heart and mind, that there is a god and an afterlife that is better than this wonderful, beautiful planet we are lucky enough to experience with language, art, music, food, friends, family, love, television, movies, video games, cell phones, internet connections and founts of information at the touch of a finger-- just kill yourself and go meet this Jesus fella you're so fucking keen on. If we're wrong, you'll be able to gloat from the afterlife as the rest of us dwindle and descend into hell.
So fall on a knife, walk out into traffic, sit down on some railroad tracks. Drink some drain-o, jump off a cliff, let Jesus take the wheel on some abandoned stretch of highway when no other cars are around. Dive in the nearest body of water and take a nice lungful of it until your dumb bloated ass sinks to the bottom.
The world will be no poorer without you or your ignorant temper tantrums in it.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
REVIEW: Playmates' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Classics
Thankfully Playmates was happy to oblige. With the new Turtles cartoon out and renewed interest in the property, they released Classic versions of the action figures, taking cues from both the original toys and the animation models from the series and kind of smooshing them together. Very successfully, I might add.
Leonardo
I'll start with Leo because he was my favorite Turtle. I liked the blue bandana and the ninja swords, and I still do. Aping the expression of the original figures, Leo has a half-sneer going on and most of his parts are cast in a muted spring green plastic. Unlike the original figure, however, Leo has painted-on pupils, like his animated counterpart. I'm not sure I like the pupils on these yet, and we'll get to that. On Leo, they're applied fairly well and don't look too goofy, but I think they could could have gone with the blank white eyes, like the originals, and they'd have looked just as good.
Michelangelo
My second favorite Turtle as a kid is my least favorite now, thanks to familiarizing myself with history and weaponry. It also doesn't help that of the pupils on these four, Mikey got the worst applications. On all four, it seems the left pupil is a little bigger than the right, and it's most evident here. On the other three, who have the traditional grimace, it doesn't look as bad, but on Mikey it comes off looking dopey thanks to his stern, toothless expression. Maybe he realized that the historic basis for his weaponry is tenuous, at best and began to despair, but we are talking about Mutant Ninja Turtles, after all. The metal chains on the nunchaku are a very nice touch, though.
Raphael
Raph is currently my favorite of the four figures, mostly due to the fact that he can hold his Sai in a "punching" position. It gives him more character than the others, somehow. His symmetrical grimace is spot-on for the character, and his light olive green is just a shade darker than Leo's like his original toy.
Donatello
Don also gets the wonky eye treatment, but not as bad. I like his staff, but I have two nits-- It could be a tad longer and there could be an extra one like the original. But that's pretty minor. Getting him to do the "staff under the arm" pose is a pretty big deal for a toy. There aren't too many mass-market figures that can do that, and it's all thanks to the incredible articulation at work, which brings us to:
The Good: These boys are packed with articulation. The packaging (with its dreaded twist ties, argh!) boasts "34 Points of Articulation!" and they aren't shitting you. Each Turtle has a ball-joint neck with somewhat limited range, ball shoulders, bicep cuts, double-jointed elbows, ball wrists, a mid-torso ball joint, ball hips, thigh swivels, double-jointed knees, ball ankles and an ankle pivot, and articulated toes. Phew!
Oh, and I didn't even mention the fingers:
The thumb moves around as well as up and down, which is a huge help holding their weapons. When purchasing these, the articulated fingers were my biggest concern, but the double jointed thumbs and fairly tight joints put all that to rest. These are sturdy figures all around, and the only wobbly joints I can find are at the torso, and those aren't so bad.
Their weapons are all cast in appropriate colors and have painted details to match their color schemes, except Donatello, who has white bandaging on the grip of his Bo. Why they did this and made everyone else's weapon grips coordinated is beyond me. Each has a sewer lid stand with their name tampo'd across it and chunky foot pegs that keep them securely in place. I wish more companies would consider stands for collector figures obligatory. We aren't throwing them in the toy box in the play room; we want to stand them up for display so our friends can come over and see how weird we are.
The Not So Good: If you buy these in person, check for paint apps on the eyes. Since I ordered online from Target, I got the luck of the draw. But considering I got them for $14.99 each and didn't have to leave the house, I'll deal with it. If you're lazy like me and want to take a chance, that's probably your best bet; I've only seen these at Toys "R" Us three times, and each time the price went up. At first, they were $18.99. About a month later, they were $19.99, and at a different TRU on THE SAME DAY (I was hunting for Masterpiece Prime and I'm a loser, okay?) the tag read $22.99! So if you want 'em, get 'em from Target.com and hope you don't get weird eyes. They are also light on the accessories-- I wouldn't have minded a myriad of ninja weapons like the originals had, or at least a shuriken or two.
Overall: These guys satisfied a pretty good want from me: Classic Turtle representation with modern engineering and articulation. I'm impressed with them, and more than I thought I would be. I recommend them, or if you just want your favorite Turtle, go for it. But you can't just have ONE, can you? Of course you can't...
-Swift
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